While I didn’t have any lack of desire to attend the retreat, on my way there I had this feeling of wanting to get it over with.  Being away from Daniel and Genevieve and knowing I would be surrounded by strangers made me a bit apprehensive.  But by the time we left I was surrounded by sisters and didn’t want to leave that environment.  For this I am so grateful to the hard work and prayers you and your team put into the weekend.

And now to the deep gritty feelings I had initially.  Hearing about some of the losses of others (adult children, teenagers, toddlers) I immediately had this feeling of being insignificant.  That my grief paled in the comparison of the grief of other moms.  How could my grief be so great as a mother who had years with her child when I had just a miscarriage?  And then I shook that feeling off quickly, because I realized I had summed my beloved Vivienne’s existence down to “just a miscarriage”.  It hurt my heart terribly to realize that I had diminished her existence with such a thought and I was filled with shame and guilt.  My child, who I made a promise to and have been working since her death to keep her existence and name alive.

It wasn’t until the last morning, in our new small groups that something came to mind.  After Genevieve was born and we were watching her grow, I would focus on her milestones and worry myself if she wasn’t meeting them on time or in line with other babies I knew.  Then I saw someone write “comparison is the thief of joy” in response to another mom with similar worries.  This was like an epiphany to me and I tried not to focus on the milestones so much as I did about Genevieve being happy and healthy.  And who else would put such comparisons in our minds? The enemy, who wants to steal our joy.

And then as we sat and chatted I felt like the Holy Spirit opened my mind as I began to think……. I was intrigued by someone Saturday mentioning us being co-redeemers.  To use our cross with Jesus, to offer suffering with Jesus for the redemption of others.  I’ve always heard to pick up your cross and follow Him, but had never heard about what to actually do with the cross.  Now I’ll admit, this is coming from someone who, even though a cradle Catholic, I only feel I’ve skimmed the surface regarding church teachings.  I am ignorant of my faith teachings but am so desiring to dive deeper.  But I was stuck on this, the idea that I can take this internal pain and use it to help convert those I love and even those I don’t know.

Then these two concepts collided in my mind as I realized the devil was trying to steal my suffering from me.  In me comparing my loss/grief to those of another mother, I was making my suffering seem small and unworthy…..less valuable and as a consequence less likely to be used by me as an offering to God.  The devil was trying to STEAL MY CROSS.  The cross that God gave me.  The cross Jesus desires me to take up and follow Him to save souls to satisfy His thirst.  The cross I have been clinging to and finally figured out how to use this weekend.  But before I had even come to the realization of how powerful such a cross can be, the devil tried to plant seeds in an attempt to take it from me…but he failed.  I love my cross.  It is ugly, yet beautiful.  It is my Vivienne’s death, yet her eternal life.  And he tried to make it small in my mind, because comparison is the thief of joy.

This was such a huge revelation for me and I don’t know if I would have come to this realization without this retreat.  So, with much gratitude I thank you for your and the team’s efforts in breathing life into this organization and its works.  I can’t wait to see what the future of Red Bird holds.