Even after our fifth loss, our baby girl Ella, even then, I refused to believe that I was, in fact, on a journey. And with grief as a constant companion, no less! I refused to admit what I knew deep down: that my feet had already been set on the path of a journey. One that would be most difficult, possibly dangerous, almost certainly painful and that from this moment on, I'd be different. The me that I was before this grief journey even began was not coming back. That person was gone. It was too difficult a thing to face.

I could not accept the concept of a never ending grief journey. I wanted destinations, itineraries, schedules, progress reports so I let myself believe that there really were 'stages' of grief. Stages could be completed. I thought that there would be benchmarks to show how I was doing and compare it to other grieving momas or milestones that I'd reach and then I'd be able to say that I was 'cured' of my grief. I would be ok. Things would be like they were before. I just needed to get to that stage, that milestone, that benchmark of grief. (Mistake #1) I used 'measuring sticks' that were based on other people's ideas of where I should be in my grief by this time, how I should be acting this far out from the initial loss event. (Mistake #2) What can I say, except that for a relatively intelligent person, I'm an incredibly thick-headed, slow learner.

Somewhere around 4 years after we lost Ella, (18 years after our first loss), something shifted in me that finally allowed me to see things as they really were. I can't yet explain HOW or WHY or WHAT finally allowed me to absorb the fact that this really was a JOURNEY, but once I understood & accepted it, things began to change in me. When I accepted that there would be no destination besides heaven itself, that there were no schedules or itineraries for arrival at certain levels of 'okay;' no rest stops until I was standing face to face with my Jesus... Once I really understood that this journey, the story of my life, was all about my journey to Jesus, I was able to let go. I stopped trying to make everything happen on MY terms. Strangely enough, it wasn't as scary to let go control as I thought it would be. Oh it was still terrifying to be sure, but.... I was free.

Jesus sent the 72 out on their journey (Lk 10:1-12) to spread the Gospel with nothing, "...no money bag, no sack, no sandals." God would provide everything they needed. He didn't want them to carry anything at all to weigh them down because he knew they were going out "like lambs before wolves" on this journey. I need to lay down my extra baggage before I can even begin my journey, but I guess I'm more like Jonah than I'd like to be. I keep telling God, "No way. Nunh-unh. I'm not doin' it. Its too hard. Today's not the day and I ain't the one!" But whether I like it or not, I am called to a journey. One that will lead me to heaven.

When I began to drop some of my own baggage, starting with those false notions of standards and milestones and benchmarks, I was ready to embrace the challenge of the journey. Before I could start, I knew I needed to take a good, long, hard look at myself and where I am in my grief and my faith life. That process started in March of this year and one day I'll share it, but for now, I'm still trying to find where I am on the map, so to speak. In the mean time, I'm keeping my eyes on the guide. He knows the way. He won't let me get lost or hurt on purpose. If I do get lost or hurt, chances are its because I thought I knew a better shortcut. Like I said, I'm thick-headed and a slow learner.

Everyone's baggage will look different, but Jesus wants it. All of it - our burdens, our sins, our failures, our worries. Jesus wants us all to lay ALL of it at the foot of His Cross so he can put our feet on the right path towards him. Thankfully, mercifully, he waits for us to willingly give him our burdens; he doesn't take them from us because I'm pretty sure he knows that 'recoil' from the grip we have on those things would throw us off balance and into the mud, face down. No, he waits ever so patiently for us to see that our way is not HIS way.

What excess baggage & burdens are you carrying around in your heart? What extra worries & anxieties are you keeping locked up in your head? Pray for the grace of surrender to God today, even if its just a small surrender, so that you can lighten your load and start your own journey to Jesus.