Is the Second Year of Grief Harder?
Grief is a long and painful process. People who are grieving are often told that the first year of grief is the hardest, but I think the second year of grief can be just as difficult, if not more so. This isn’t talked about enough!
Here are some expectations you may have for your second year of grief:
You assume it will be easier.
I thought this year would be easier.
Shouldn’t I be doing better by now?
I thought that since I “made” it through the first year that year two would be a breeze. That is a LIE. The first year, I was still in shock and numb to what happened. As Cayse's second anniversary is only a few days away, I am crumbling inside. This would have been his second birthday party, but instead of planning a party, I am planning how we will celebrate his life. Last year for his first birthday/anniversary, I went to our local store and ordered a small (smash) cake so we could sing Happy Birthday! I also paid for a special little boy's birthday cake whose birthday was either on January 6 or was having his party on that day and I wrote his mother a note reminding her to hold her baby tight because today would have been my baby boy's first birthday. Instead of being sad, I wanted to make someone's day. That was my way of celebrating my son.
Part of what makes the second year of grief harder is the end of the “Firsts”. The first year of grief is devastating, but there is momentum. The whole year is an arc from the death of your child through the first holidays or the first mother’s day or the first vacation without him or her. It is terrible but it is new. After you survive the 1st anniversary of your child’s death, there is nothing new. It is just the same awful wasteland stretched ahead of you as far as the eye can see.
You show yourself less compassion
If you're like many people, you may not have the energy to be as compassionate towards yourself as the first year after your loss. You may feel that compassion is something that you don't deserve or that it's a luxury for those who aren't feeling grief in its full force. You may have an invisible timeline or an expectation that you “should” be feeling a certain way. You may be tired of your grief and worried that other people are too.
This can be particularly true if your losses are recent and/or sudden. It's normal for grief to worsen over time; however, finding a balance between self-care and doing what needs to get done can make it hard.
People aren't checking in as much
Time marches on. People that used to show you a lot of care and attention may not anymore. They may be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, or they may think that you are doing fine and don't need their help. They also may not know what to say, so they avoid talking to you altogether. And if they do have something to say, it might make things worse for both of you. They may have their own expectations for what grief looks like and not understand why yours doesn’t match that.
Asking for help feels more difficult.
You may feel like you are a burden and asking for too much help. You don't want to be selfish and ask someone else to do things for you when they've already done so much. You don't want to distract others from their lives or make them feel bad. And no matter how often people tell you they want to help and are available; it's hard not to think that maybe they just say that because they feel obligated.
You're able to look further into the future.
The second year is a time of transition. You’re able to look further into the future, and you can see that there will be a future, but it will always be without your child. Some days, you can look into the future and see that you will be ok and that you will be able to move on. This is important because it gives you strength and hope during these difficult times. Some days, you may feel like the future is something you aren’t ready for or that carrying your grief for the rest of forever just feels too hard.
You spent year one tending to everyone's grief but your own.
You may feel guilty for having these feelings when your loved one's death is still so raw. You might even worry that showing any sign of pain will make you appear weak or selfish in the eyes of others. Grief is hard work; it requires time and energy to process difficult emotions, which often means keeping them hidden from those around us. It's normal to feel alone during this time, but it's helpful to know that there is support available if you take the first step in reaching out to people who understand what you're going through.
What helped you in year one of grief isn't helping you in year two of grief.
One of the most common things I hear from people is that they're feeling isolated. They've been through so much and want to connect with others who are also experiencing grief but don't know where to start looking for support.
The first year after a loss is usually an adjustment period for everyone involved. It's never easy going through life alone, especially not when it comes down on top of losing someone important like a child.
People don't talk about how hard the second year of grief can be.
The second year of grief is often an even more difficult period than the first. You may feel like you're alone, isolated, and less important. You may start to wonder if people are avoiding you because they don't want to bring up painful memories or because they think that it's rude and insensitive, not to mention your loved one at all. People may not know what to do when you haven’t returned to your “old self” yet. They don’t realize that you will never be the way you were before. You are still becoming the person you are after the loss.
As far as I'm concerned, there is no etiquette when it comes to supporting a person after a loss. Not everyone knows what else they should say or do for us after we've lost a loved one—which can make us feel even more isolated than ever!
If you're in the second year of grief, know that you are not alone. I'm here with you!
In addition to sharing this blog post with anyone who needs it, I would like to recommend taking advantage of Red Bird Ministries Free Catholic Grief App. This app can help you connect with people who have experienced child loss.