When someone we love is grieving the loss of their child, it can be hard to offer support when you don’t understand what she is going through. What exactly does that mom need? Is it space to process? Is it a shoulder to cry on? You may never know. You may feel like it’s a guessing game while you tiptoe around her feelings and emotions. But what do most mothers who have experienced loss want on Mother’s Day?

ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

Acknowledgement that life existed. Acknowledgment that the child she is grieving is still thought about, loved, and that she is supported through the grieving process. She wants to know others are still thinking about her, and just because that child died, she is still a mother.

What do we do on Mother’s Day? We honor our mothers. We write silly cards for her and tell her how much we love her and are grateful for the life she gave to us. We bring her flower, go to Church with her, and try our best to make her feel loved and appreciated.

Mother’s Day is different for mothers who have children that have died. It is weighty and complex, and confusing. Women struggle with feelings and emotions of both happiness and a sense of deep sadness—part of the day we may spend crying and then laughing. We may laugh and cry in one breath. No matter how long it has been since she experienced the loss of her child, Mother’s Day will always be hard for grieving moms. It is a reminder that someone we love dearly is gone.

When life enters our womb, our tabernacle, the sacredness of that life never leaves us. No matter how long that life lived within us or outside, we are tangibly connected to that child for eternity. Science has proven that our DNA lives within one another. A bonding hormone connects within parts of our brains. God was very intentional when He gave the mother space to hold life within her. A mother holds onto that child until death. Our arms are empty, and our hearts are aching.

It might seem easy to stay silent around Mother’s Day because you aren’t sure how to help, but it’s more important than ever to reach out and offer support. Being a good friend to someone who is grieving is more than just being a good friend. It involves listening and trying your best to understand her thoughts and worries. It means going out of your way to help bring about healing and restoration. It’s about praying with her, allowing the space and the time to listen to her heart. It’s about sacrifice, about reaching into the abyss of pain and sadness to bring about a greater good.

Taking a few minutes or hours out of your special day will remind her that she is loved, valued, she is seen, and most of all, that she is a mother.

Here are a few easy things you can do to help a grieving mother on Mother’s Day.

1. Acknowledge She Is a Mother

Give your friend a call over the phone. A text is super impersonal. If you are close, show up at her doorstep with flowers or a spiritual bouquet of prayers you prayed for her to make it through the day. Tell her, “Happy Mother’s Day. I know this day is so hard for you. I support you, and I’m so proud of you. Most importantly, I am grateful for you, and I love you.”

2. Send a Card

If you live afar, or can’t get to your friend, send a card. It can be very simple, “I know this day hurts you so much, but I love you and am thinking of you today and always. It hurts my heart that you lost your child, and I want you to know that I am here for you.” The gesture will show her that she is not forgotten and will bring comfort to her heart.

3. Send Flowers

Most of the time, flowers are the answer to most women’s tears. It will bring a moment of joy that the day may never have known even for a second. Send flowers that have meaning. Examples: Carnations, for innocence. Red for grief. Chrysanthemum, truth, and beauty. Daffodil for new life, Heaven is our eternal home. Gardenia for peace and purity. Lily for Christ’s resurrection. Or the Peace Lily for innocence and rebirth into eternity. Orchid for admiration and respect. Roses for purity, innocence, and love. Pink Roses for love and grace. Red Roses for abiding love. Yellow Roses for friendship. Tie a little message sent with love with the intercession of the Blessed Mother, or St. Therese. Your prayers will not go unnoticed.

4. Treat Her to Her Favorite Breakfast

When a mother doesn’t have to cook, she feels loved. Bring her to a lovely brunch on Mother’s Day. If she doesn’t feel like going out, order take out from her favorite restaurant and allow her some time to rest.  

5. Ask How She’s Really Doing

Give her time to respond to you. One of the best gifts you can give to a mother who has experienced the loss of a child is your time. Remind her that you know this must be hard for her and you care and genuinely want to help. Starting the conversation may be awkward and uncomfortable, but knowing that you are thinking about her will help ease her heart and be incredibly meaningful to her.

Remember that being someone’s friend is hard because those grieving honestly don’t know how to put their feelings and emotions into words. Know that even if your friend doesn’t open up, your gesture matters; it may take her a little while to process. The reality is that most people will not go out of their way to acknowledge her loss for fear of the discomfort themselves.

Don’t give up on your friend; navigating grief is complicated, messy, and unpredictable. But as time goes on, her grief will change. The sharp edges of the pain will dull a bit, and it will get easier for her to navigate and cope. Stay standing at the foot of the Cross with her, and on the other side, your friendship will be stronger than you ever could have imagined. The reality is that most people will leave her side.

Always remember when in doubt, lean into your friend. Hanging back only creates distance. Your friend needs you, especially when her heart is hurting so much.