I’ve always enjoyed loving people. Meeting people, strangers becoming fast friends, getting to know people, loving them and their families was always something I felt I was really good at. It came effortlessly to me. 

All of that came crashing down after our son passed away from SIDS. I struggled to simply even tolerate people, especially those with children around Leo’s age. “Why did THEY get to keep their children, and I have to visit mine in a cemetery” I was just so mad. I was mad for months, and I would be lying if I said it doesn’t still creep in.

But I can pinpoint a turning point. When my every thought wasn’t of anger towards others. It was April, 4 months after his passing. We were on a beach trip, gifted to us by a family friend. Watching my surviving children play in the sand, a glimpse of joy. Then my eyes caught sight of a family walking down the beach. A mother with her son around the age of 5, and holding her other son Leo’s age. My mind raced back to hate. But I was stopped. An overwhelming feeling of calm came over me, and I felt the words “You don’t know them. You don’t know their life” and my thoughts shifted. What if she couldn’t have children of her own, and these beautiful Blessings were adopted. What if she was simply their nanny?!? There are so many other things that could’ve been happening, not simply that she “got to keep” her sons.

Friends, grace and (I dare say) acceptance started that day. Acceptance that this is God’s will for my life. I know that if you are reading these words, it is because you have had to give your child back to their creator. It is my sincere hope and fervent prayer, that you feel loved by God. That you feel Him so very present in your grief journey. Holding you when it seems like everything else is crumbling. You are precious to him.

Sweet Jesus, thank you for loving us. In all our joy, and sorrow, Amen.