People don't know what to say when someone important to them dies, especially when it's a child. I get it. I've lost 3 children, four grandparents, my mom, and other close relatives and friends. It's not easy. I also understand that family, friends, and co-workers are thinking: "What am I going to say?" "What if my comment makes them hurt worse?" And what in the world do you say after a friend or coworker has a miscarriage or a stillbirth or a suicide? What do you say when you see a colleague crying into her cup of coffee after her husband dies?

How to be compassionate to grieving people

It's hard to know what to say when someone you care about has lost a loved one. The last thing you want to do is make the situation worse by saying the wrong thing. But it can be difficult to know what will help. The best thing you can do is show up and be there for them. Here are some examples of what not to say:

• Don't say “I know how you feel” because you've lost someone too. Just because you've experienced a similar loss doesn't mean that they're feeling what you felt when your loved one died. Instead, try saying something like "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "I'm here if you need me." Saying "I know how you feel." While it may seem kind at first we actually don’t know exactly how they feel, because grief is as unique as a thumbprint.

• Don't say “time heals all wounds!” Instead of talking about how long it will take for them to heal, focus on how long it has been since their loved one passed away and acknowledge that this is a very difficult time for them.

• Don't say “You are holding up well.” Let them know that if there's anything they need from you or anyone else, you are here. Then ask if there are any specific things you can do for them right now instead of offering generic platitudes like "you're strong."

• Don’t say "Everything happens for a reason." This is a common phrase that can make grievers feel like they're being chastised for feeling sad or upset about their loss. It also implies that there was something wrong with the person who died—which isn't true!

• Don’t say "Your child wouldn’t want them to be sad." This is manipulative and causes a parent to feel guilt about their grief, please don’t say this to them. Grief is an individual experience, and while it can take many different forms, there is no right way to feel when your child dies.

• Don’t say "It's been weeks/months/years—isn't it time to move on?" How long do you think it takes to move on after a child dies, or even harder your child? Losing a parent, grandparent, etc. means you lost your past. Losing a child means you lost your future. It’s everything you will miss for the rest of your life. There is no moving on, only forward. You have to slowly incorporate the loss into your everyday life.

• Don’t say "You look great!" (Meaning you don't look like you've been crying all day.) Maybe your under-eye cream really works well. Are you kidding, we try not to make others uncomfortable when we go out so we hold onto our tears while we are in public. This does not indicate the position of our hearts. The reality is that as soon as we get into our car, or in the shower, the dam will burst. For some, we may have cried all night long and it took everything we had to get up and dressed this morning.

Please try your hardest to be mindful of the words you say to grieving parents. It’s appropriate to say I am praying for you, that I love you, and that I am here for you. Then treat them like they are normal and not sad pitiful puppies. It makes us feel weird when you look at us with pity. We want to know you care about us, and that you are praying for us, but the silence in between those moments is really weird.

If some time has passed lean into us and offer support in practical ways.

• Is there something I can do to support you?

• Would you like to come shopping or to the movies with us on Saturday?

• Would you like to come with us to listen to some live music next Friday?

• Would you be open to coming to listen to a talk on the faith next Wednesday?

Try to have a normal conversation with them so they know you care about their loss but are open to continue supporting them as their friend. Your friend needs you more than you know, and not always do they need you to talk about grief. Sometimes we need to just have a normal day FREE of grief talk. Ask what type of day they would like to have, and support them where they are.