It is time to throw them away.

Those words are hard to hear. 

For Cayse’s second anniversary, we received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my in-laws. When I received the flowers, my eyes caught the beautiful butterfly in the bouquet. 

Anytime we gather as a family, there is always a BIG butterfly around. We never noticed butterflies until Cayse passed.  Now, whenever that giant butterfly comes around, someone always recognizes it and says, “It’s Baby Cayse!” 

My mother-in-law told me that a giant butterfly came to visit once when she was under her patio with my father-in-law. She stuck her hand out, and the butterfly came close to landing on her finger. Another time, my mother-in-law was at a birthday party, and the butterfly showed up. She said that the butterfly stayed through the WHOLE party. 

Twenty-five days after Cayse’s anniversary, I had to throw the flowers away.  Days before, the flower petals were starting to fall. I kept saying it was time to throw them out, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Last year, I made mementos from the flowers we received for the first anniversary of Cayse’s death. This year, I never even thought about making anything with flowers. 

When I picked up the flowers to throw them out, I started shaking and tearing up. My son, Coen, said, “Mom, what are you doing with Baby Cayse’s flowers?” I told him it was time to throw them away since they were dying. He replied, “But how are you going to remember him?” I told him I would take the butterfly out of the bouquet and keep it. He said, “Mom, I do not have anything to remind me of baby Cayse," but then he said, "Oh wait, I have his picture in his room.” 

Throwing away the flowers was very hard. It felt like I was throwing something away that represented my love for Cayse. When I threw the flower in the trash, I started to cry. Coen said, “Mom, it will be okay; you can always go into my room and look at Cayse's picture.” Coen always seems to know the right words to make me feel better.

Ashley Leger

Ashley Leger currently lives in Parks, a small town in Louisiana. She is married to her husband Brayton and together they have two sons. Coen is 5 years old and their little saint in heaven Cayse. Cayse was diagnosed with Anencephaly at 11 weeks gestation, and we carried him as far as the Lord allowed. He was born into heaven on January 6, 2021.

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The Weeping Women