10 things parents of loss wants the Catholic Church to know

What do I do now? A question all families of loss ask themselves the day after the funeral. Family members are going back to work.  The house is a mess.  The kitchen is a disaster area that you don’t have the energy to clean.   There are leftovers out on the counter that you do not feel like saving.  Life as you once knew it is gone. You’re desperate for some quiet time, but at the same time, the silence scares you.   You’re scared to be alone with your thoughts and too embarrassed to say it.

Losing a child brings a wealth of emotions that takes up a lot of headspace.  Grief becomes a task in itself and is all-consuming for parents of loss. Learning to move forward is equally challenging and too overwhelming at times. Even those who are natural go-getters may find themselves feeling utterly useless. Some may express feeling out of control and never knew this feeling before.

So what do you do the day after the funeral? Those days seem so long ago to me, but I can remember exactly what I was doing the day after the funeral even as I write this. Absolutely nothing. I couldn’t even come to terms with what had just happened to our family.  You simply begin to try to live every day without your child, and that is unfathomably hard work.  The pain of losing a child never leaves you. Part of you doesn’t even want it to because that pain is the piece of our child that we can hold on to.  

Grief is at the same time incredibly tangible for us and yet so invisible to others.  At times we feel so unseen and forgotten as time moves forward. These invisible wounds desperately need some salve from the Divine Physician himself and accompaniment from the Church. But the reality is that many are afraid to offer help because they have expressed they don’t know how or don’t know our needs. 
We have provided a list of 10 things parents of loss want the church to know. This list is just a short version but can provide insight into what we struggle with the most. After you read through this list, I hope you can better understand how to receive and support us after loss.

10 things parents of child loss want the Church to know.

1. Child Loss. Did you know that 1 in 4 families sitting in your Church pews will lose a child during childbearing years? Of the 71M self-identified Catholics in the USA, (25% | 18M Catholics) will experience the loss of a child. Losing a child is not right ordered in how we understand death and dying growing up. Couples share that it came as a shock and utter disbelief when they first heard the news that their child had died.

Most share that the pain is unbearable at times, and the lack of support from the Church is startling to them. Our children are our legacy, and it’s tough to move on without them. We need help and support from our Church community to carry this heavy cross. 

Losing a child isn’t limited to only losing young children. Losing a child at any age, regardless of if the child dies in the womb or at 40, is a life-shattering experience.  A priest once summed it up after having performed funerals for both a young child and a 70-year-old man whose mother was still living, “the look in the mother’s eyes was the same.”

2. Miscarriage. Please be kind and understanding when you get a call about a baby that has died before 20 weeks. As a pro-life Church, we have to speak a different language than the pro-choice side. Our message has to validate life in every aspect of the Church, and we need to recognize the sanctity of all life, giving value to that precious child. These families have fallen in love with their baby from the moment that the test turned positive. Please respect that love and bond the family has regardless of the length of time that baby has lived.

They have a soul and are now a part of the Kingdom of God. Even though the government (state or federal) may not acknowledge that child’s life and require burial, as members of the Mystical Body of Christ, the Catholic Church should acknowledge the value of that child’s life by serving that family in their grief. Offering a mass of remembrance for the baby, if the family requests one, is a good place to start. 

3. Couples of Loss. How can couples support one another? The first step is understanding their differences, uniquely to how God created them as man and woman. This understanding allows couples to learn how to love and support one another through their differences. 

We know that women and men grieve differently. A man and a woman’s brain is scientifically hard-wired to respond to crises differently. Men typically put their grief into action, and few speak about the details of their loss. Men typically do not search for grief support opportunities or healing after loss. Men typically come to acceptance quicker than women. At the same time, women tend to want to talk about their emotions with their spouses and others. They also naturally desire to physically emote their grief. They are more likely to search for grief support opportunities and seek healing. 

Because of these differences, many grieving mothers have shared that they have felt emotionally abandoned by their spouses after loss. Most couples find themselves not understanding one another needs and don’t know how to support one another. While there is science to validate these responses, most couples who find healing together admit that their relationship was better because they chose to walk together. Couples genuinely want to understand and communicate through their loss but don’t know how to go about this.

We found ourselves in this same situation, so we created a resource to help families like ours. Restoring Love - a 33-day Couples Consecration Guide to the Holy Family. This resource helps couples unpack grief as a couple of child loss in the privacy of their home.

4. Divorce.  Did you know the divorce rate for couples of loss 5-10 years post-loss is a staggering 70%? Statistics prove that only 5% of those who experience a loss will get the help they need and deserve. This leaves 95% of families silently suffering in their pews. Most families will not reach out to the Church or find help until their marriages are falling apart. Most of us will keep the destruction of our marriage from even trusted friends and family. Although we do not want a divorce, we don’t know how to carry this cross. This cross is so heavy, and we often want to give up. And over time, the tension is too much, and we begin to let go.

However, we do not want to be a statistic, so please speak up and support us right after losing our child.  We need others who have walked this walk to offer us hope. We need the support of our Church community so that we can be proactive instead of reactive and get the help that we need before our marriages fall apart. And ask us if the Church recognizes our marriage, and if not, this is a perfect opportunity to support us by walking with us through this Sacrament.  A trusted resource is Witness to Love’s Civil Marriage Initiative, mentored by another loss couple who is further along on their journey of child loss.

5. Family & Community. Don’t wait for us to ask for help. Just show up. We can barely remember if we brushed our teeth this morning. We may wear the same clothes several days in a row. The electricity bill may have gone unpaid this month, and the refrigerator is probably empty. It's not because we don’t want to move on or that we are lazy. It is because we just cannot make one more decision, even small ones.  We are living in a fog, and our brain can only process grief right now and has lost the ability to process everyday information correctly. This is just a season of our grief. There will be a time when we can do things for ourselves, but right now, in the thick of grief, we need family and community to support and carry us through this time.  Don’t tell us to call if we need anything; tell us what you want to do to help us and then do it. 

6. Broken Relationships.  After our losses, there have been strained relationships among family members.  Some have told us that they were tired of being around us because we were always sad.  We’ve been told by family members that they can’t understand why we are still sad after a few years. Or other very hurtful words like we need to get over it. Some simply ghosted us because they couldn’t handle our child’s death. Even personal longtime friends and family members could not stand by our sides after our child died. We didn’t ask for this cross.

Having mentors and companions to accompany us on this journey is like throwing a life preserver to families of loss. Having someone who gets us and helps us to navigate the waters of grief prevents us from depending on family and friends who simply cannot help us in the same capacity that our peers can. To be able to help us, you have to know child loss.

7. Faith.  Our faith may be strong, but we still need support. We do not want to be a poster child for loss. We need to know that sometimes it is okay not to be okay and feel how we feel while grieving. Sometimes I just need to be given permission to grieve - as long as it is healthy. 

Please don’t assume the way we respond has everything to do with how strong our faith is. We loved our children. Therefore this wound hurts more than anyone could imagine.  We are learning to live without our children and trying our best to carry this heavy cross. In time when we are ready, we will get to a place of acceptance. Please encourage us, support us, befriend us, and don’t judge or leave us. 

8. Pastoral Care.  Our clergy may not truly understand the role they play in our healing journey. In our times of great sorrow, we trust that you will provide us clarity and love as we lean into the Lord. 

We know that not all clergy are licensed therapists. We aren’t asking for counseling; we are looking for Jesus. Please spiritually guide us and help us to make sense of this loss from a Catholic perspective. We need you to physically be Jesus to us in your words, in offering us comfort and your loving direction. We need our spiritual father to be there for us during the most challenging moment in our life. Please do not abandon us because you feel ill-equipped - now more than ever; we need you. We are desperate to make sense of this loss. Please don’t leave us to the secular world to help us figure this out without God.

Often we bring our suffering to the confessional; we are trying to find acceptance and looking for the Divine Physician. We beg you to please listen to us, offer words of compassion and empathy, and walk us through our anger, frustration, forgiveness, and other emotions we are trying to navigate. We are trying to hear the voice of the Father and 3 Hail Marys; even though they are a suitable penance, what we really need is words. Some helpful words and short meditations on Our Lady of Sorrows may be better suited for this time. This is also an opportunity to share about Red Bird Ministries and what they do to support families of loss them in their daily walk.

9. Spiritual Direction. Spiritual directions help us to navigate our grief journey in prayer with Jesus. A good, trusted spiritual director will be a light that allows us to move forward, not forgetting where we have been but holding Christ’s hand as we attempt to take that next step. Spiritual direction after loss is a critical part of a loss parent’s journey and can provide key insights to where a parent is struggling to let go and let God.

10. Therapy. Finding a Catholic therapist after losing a child makes a big difference to those who experience the loss of a child. If you know someone who has experienced loss and you are mentoring them, please speak up and help them find a trusted Catholic therapist that will adhere to the teachings of the Church. 

We need help knowing who to trust, and we need help in finding trusted resources. We may not yet know how important this is. Still, we need someone to explain that a person who shares the same faith will help us heal holistically- psychologically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually - and that is the best type of healing for families of loss.

This is the short version of what families of loss will experience after their child dies, but it can provide critical insight into some essential needs. As the Church, we all have a role in bringing the lost lamb back into the sheepfold. Don’t leave it up to someone else to reach out to a family of loss that you know; please connect them to a trusted Catholic source, Red Bird Ministries, who are ready to receive these families with open arms.

“A gift is freely given and expects no return. Its reason is love.” writes St. Thomas Aquinas. The Holy Spirit comes forth as the substance of love, and gift is his proper name. This gift was called Parakletos, which translated into various ways: counselor, advocate, helper, which literally means “one called alongside” to aid, exhort and encourage. If you have felt called to serve in this capacity as a Red Bird Ministries Chapter Advocate, please reach out to us and bring RBM to your area.