How do tell your grieving friend that you are pregnant?
How do you tell your friend that you're pregnant? As someone who is grieving, she might not want to hear it. Still, she needs a soft landing after her loss. The best way to share good news with a friend who is grieving is with gentleness and careful listening. Be compassionate in your listening, remembering that there may be signs of depression or dark emotions she is trying to process. If you are worried about sharing this news with someone who has recently suffered an unexpected loss, take some time first to consider how best you can handle this situation without making things worse for her emotionally.
It's never easy to tell a friend that you're pregnant. The fact that you're doing so while they are grieving the loss of their child makes it even more difficult. Still, if you have a close relationship with your friend, one that's built on trust, honesty, and compassion, then you should be the one who tells her and offers nothing but empathy and compassion.
Grieving friends need a soft landing
When you tell your grieving friend that you’re pregnant, be prepared for them to feel some of these things:
upset (because they are grieving, and grief clouds and distorts everything)
angry (because they are grieving and this news is a reminder of the loss they have suffered)
sad (because they are grieving and this news is a reminder of the loss they have suffered and also because pregnancy feels like a happy thing, which might make them feel alone in their sadness)
upset at you (because they are grieving and you are a reminder of what they are no longer pregnant) or at God (for creating life where there was sadness), or both
Your news will be hard for your friend to hear
Your friend will likely be happy for you, but also sad for herself. She may feel that her own chance at having a baby has passed her by and she might even worry that she will never be able to be happy again. This only intensifies if she struggled to conceive, has had recurrent losses, and also if she has overheard you say you do not want more children.
She is not alone in her feelings and in her fears. Many women who have lost babies experience similar feelings of being “less than” or unworthy of happiness after their loss, angry, isolated, and depressed. This can lead them to isolate themselves from others as they try desperately to avoid feeling any more pain than they already do. It’s important not to judge your friend if she isn’t able to express excitement right away—she may need time before she can fully accept what has happened and move on with her life again.
Be prepared for grief to return
When you tell your friend that you're pregnant, be prepared for the grief to return. When someone dies, their absence is felt every day in a variety of ways. Some days will feel better than others, but eventually something will happen that triggers sadness. It could be something completely unrelated to the loss. Pregnancy announcements, baby showers, birth announcements, new babies everywhere is overwhelming at times for a mother who has just experienced a loss.
Be compassionate in your listening
Being compassionate in your listening is a key ingredient to good listening. Compassionate listening is one of the most important skills of being a good friend and can also be learned. Being compassionate means being present with your friend and open to what they are feeling, even if it’s difficult for you. It means not judging them or putting them down, but just allowing their feelings to be expressed without judgment.
Be patient during this process, as talking about death can take time and sometimes there won’t be much conversation at first while they are in shock or grieving. Don't rush them into telling you everything immediately after their tragedy has occurred; take things slowly and give them time to heal emotionally before opening up further conversations about their loss (if appropriate).
Listen for her heartache and fear.
When you talk with your friend, listen for the pain in her voice. Listen for the fear in her voice. Listen for the anger in her voice. Listen for the sadness in her voice. Listen for the loneliness in her voice, which may be more subtle than you think: she may feel isolated or abandoned by others; if so, she'll likely feel pretty lonely right now! If she is experiencing any of those feelings (and many others), then it is likely that she will have a difficult time accepting your news right away.
Listen carefully to what your friend says about herself during this conversation: you want to make absolutely sure that you don't offend or upset her further by telling her something that isn't true about yourself or your pregnancy! Please do not allow her reaction to change how you speak to her.
Remember that you can not take away her pain.
You can not take away her pain. You can not replace the baby that she has lost. You cannot make her pain go away, but you can help her through this time by being there for her and offering support.
Acknowledge her grief by saying something like, “I understand why this is hard for you. I wish I could take away all of your pain and sadness, but I know that is not possible.” It can also help to acknowledge how much time has passed since her loss by saying something like, “It has been three years now since [your baby/child] passed away. I know you miss him/her. That must feel so long! How are you doing? I am here to listen.”
Be gentle with your words
It's important to be compassionate and understanding when speaking with your grieving friend about being pregnant. Avoid saying things like "I'm sorry" or "Don't worry" because these phrases can make your friend feel worse about herself. Instead, try something like "I know this must be difficult for you" and “I love you, and I wanted you to hear it from me.” which will let her know that you understand how hard it can be for them to cope with their loss while also dealing with your news at the same time. They'll probably cry, which is totally normal. It's okay if you cry too!
You could also ask her how she is feeling and if there's anything you can do for her. If she doesn't want to talk about it or needs some time alone, it's totally fine—just let her know that you're there if they want to talk at any point in the future.
Don’t tell them in front of others
I remember when a friend told me she was pregnant less than a month after our loss at my home with others around. I went into a dark place inside of myself. I tried to hide my emotions on the outside because others were around, but after a bit of time had passed, I found myself hyperventilating in my bathroom on the floor in tears. My friend never realized what had happened, as I didn’t dare to tell her that the news had punched the daylights out of me. Another friend came to find me in the bathroom, consoled me, and helped put me back together for me to come back out. There was no escape for me, I was at my home.
Please do not take their adverse reaction personally.
When you're pregnant, the last thing you want to consider is your friend's grief. But when your friend loses a baby, it can be hard for them to feel joy in their own pregnancies. Be gentle with yourself. It's normal to feel guilt or shame because of how happy you are; it's also normal to want to avoid talking about your pregnancy with her in order to protect her feelings. But this will only make the situation worse, not better. Instead, try listening and empathizing with your friend—this will help put her mind at ease and let her know that she doesn't have to worry about hurting your feelings or making things awkward between the two of you.
Give them space
Let your grieving friend know there's no rush for them to respond to you or get back in touch with you immediately. This gives them the freedom to process the news and their feelings. Losing a baby is awful, and they may need time before they feel ready to talk again.
Tell them you are here to listen and do it.
A baby is exciting news, but please excuse your feelings for a minute and allow your friend to unburden herself. Losing a child is so hard to process. The best way to help your friend is to be compassionate and listen to her. Make sure she knows she can talk about losing her baby whenever she needs to without worrying about upsetting anyone else around them (i.e., other family members). Letting someone know that they don't have control over what they are feeling will help them not feel embarrassed or ashamed of how they are feeling.
We understand that it can be hard to tell your grieving friend about something joyful in your life, but we encourage you to do so with gentleness and compassion. Remember that there are many ways to help a person who is grieving; sharing good news can be one of them! They will not feel this way when they meet your beautiful baby. They are not horrible people, they are human, and their hurting heart just needs time to process.
