For the grieving mother on Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day is coming up. For some of you, this may bring you great joy, but for many of us, it is only a reminder of the disposition of our bereaved hearts. No matter how long ago, that child’s imprint has forever changed the wiring of our hearts.
To my sister who is in this club that no one wants to be in, I am sorry you are here. I wish things were different for both of us. Please know that I haven’t forgotten how hard it is for you every holiday, especially Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day is a national holiday that honors mothers for their nurturing love and support of their children. It is supposed to generate warm and cozy feelings about your mother and be reciprocated by your children. For us Catholics, we celebrate the gift of life. It truly is a miracle that life came to be. Being open to life is co-creating with the Father, the author of life. We celebrate the beauty of this beloved creation.
But what if everything we know about our faith and being open to life leaves us feeling empty.
What if we really don’t feel like celebrating? Instead, we want to cry and scream.
What if our family doesn’t understand? And this angers you beyond reasoning.
What if we truly don’t care about the warm and fuzzy feelings of Mother’s Day? We actually secretly hate it instead.
What if we are too scared to tell our family how we actually feel? So instead we just put our feelings aside and fake a smile to not start WWIII.
What if someone really doesn’t appreciate their child in front of us? And you have to sit through Mother’s Day listening to their complaints.
What if we can’t be in the same room as our family? They are the cause of our latest pain, they are the thorn in our side that St. Paul talks about.
What if we just want to forget this day exists? And our family expects you to show up.
What if we rather stay in bed because the pain of this day is a reminder that life was and is no more? And there is a plan with an agenda you are given.
What if no one understands us? And you have no one to talk to.
How are we supposed to even get through this day? When the world is silent in times where love can be released into that space.
If you are a mother of loss, or your mother has died, know of our prayers for you in anticipation of this day. It’s a big day for us, emotionally. We feel things we may not have felt in a while or have tried to forget. Mother’s Day can cause people to grieve or have emotions they do not know how to process. Feelings may resurface that you didn’t expect. Good ones that may shock you, wellsprings of tears you don’t know how to stop, or what about the forbidden emotion of anger that no one understands. When someone asks you why you are crying, you may even say “I don’t know.” Know these feelings are normal if you are grieving. They may even all happen at once, which is scary for us.
Women who have lost their mother and a child may very well feel this is the worst day of their life. Although they may enjoy being recognized by their family and living children because of their loss, they may struggle with feelings of grief, depression, anxiety, or even anger due to the absence of their loved ones. They may feel so alone in a room full of familiar faces.
Grief can manifest itself with many different symptoms and affect people in different ways. It can be expressed physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.
Physical expressions of grief may include crying, headaches, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping or fatigue, aches, pains, stress, or the feeling of heaviness.
Emotional expressions of grief may include feelings of sadness and yearning, worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, and guilt.
Social expressions of grief may include feeling detached from your family, isolating yourself, and behaving in ways that are not normal for you.
Spiritual expressions of grief may include questioning why, the purpose of pain and suffering, the meaning of life, and even why people have to die.
If these feelings come to you this Mother’s Day, know they are normal and can present themselves more profoundly when you are experiencing a day that was meant to celebrate the life that no longer exists on earth. I have found in years that have past after losing 3 of my children, and then my mother, that sometimes we have to create our own space of needs and not wait for others to do something. If you are feeling extra blue, angry, frustrated, and alone, here is a list of ways that you can incorporate into Mother’s Day that can actually have a positive effect on you.
If you are having trouble celebrating Mother’s Day, do something in memory of your child or your mom.
Have a memorial with your family: butterfly, balloon, or dove release. Everyone will be present.
Visit your mother or child’s grave with your family.
Attend something fun that your child or mom would have loved.
Make a donation to a charity in your child or mom’s name.
Go to adoration with your family.
Visit the Sacrament of Reconciliation for a shower of grace.
Pray a litany, trust, or surrender.
Pray a rosary for your mom or child.
Go to Church as a family.
Make a feast with their favorite foods.
Plant a tree, bush, or flower in their memory.
Honor others who are mothers, and share how beautiful the gift of life is.
Create a memorial webpage.
Write her a letter, create a poem, journal, or make artwork in their memory.
Scrapbook with your family as a memorial token.
Have a sharing circle about your child or mother. Only share the funny stories, their quirks, and the times when they brought so much joy to your heart.
Even though we go through these moments of putting the joy back into our hearts, there will always be a space where the pain lives. Creating healthy grieving habits is not meant to bypass pain and suffering; it’s a space where we allow ourselves the time and space to process and heal. You can’t simply bypass Mother’s Day and try to forget it like you can’t bypass grief. The only way for you to be able to begin to heal is to go through it. That is the only way Mother’s Day is bearable when the weight of grief comes and desperately tries to knock you down.
