What’s Changed, and What’s Stayed the Same?

To be honest so much has changed.

I used to think that I would feel the rawness of my grief forever. I thought that the intense suffering was all I would know. After losing Talon, Emma Grace, and Christian Ryan, I just honestly wanted to give up. I just couldn’t carry the cross of child loss.

But something happened, and things began to change.

Did I welcome it with open arms? HECK NO. I was scared of the change because I thought I was leaving their memory behind by me moving forward. I indeed tried to sulk in my sadness. I didn’t want to be seen as a victim, but I felt so emotionally violated.

Grief played ping pong in my head, and I didn’t know what step to take next. I managed to start moving forward only by the grace of God. I often think there is no other reason but God that I’m still married to the love of my life and still have it somewhat together. The miracle of healing that God gave to me during my conversion has been a beautiful gift to me.

I’m learning to live this life every day. Even five years after my conversion, I learn something new and I’m in awe of what the Lord has done in my life. It was all because of the miracle of healing that I received through the Sacraments of the Catholic Church.

What stayed the same after my conversion?

• Sometimes when I think about my story or tell my story, I get a headache from crying.

• Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I need a mental health break. I cry myself to sleep, and I try the next day again. Sometimes I repeat this.

• When I think of their deaths, I can’t help but think, “how did I survive those days.” Those days were so hard for me and shook me to the core.

• I miss them. My arms long for them. My heart burns for them. I cry for them.

• I am a grieving mother. I try to wear that badge of honor, like Mary. Sometimes I wear it proudly, and sometimes I feel sorry for myself. But I try my hardest to focus on gratitude.

• Birthdays and Anniversaries are still days when I’m going to cry.

• We are still trying to conceive after 9-years. I’m learning how to live in God’s will, but sometimes I cry about that too.

Grief is complicated, and loss leaves you feeling very empty sometimes. I try my hardest not to let my emotions get the best of me, but my human weakness leaves me feeling very foolish somedays for not carrying my cross like a hero. Instead, I allow myself to fall into humility and show my wounds. I need my Simon’s of Cyrene and my Veronica’s wipe my face when I feel the cross's weight. To say after my conversion that I never cried again would be a lie. But so much has changed for the good, and I have learned so much from my suffering. 

What has changed?

• When I think of them, I don’t see just death. I think of how joyful and at peace, they are in heaven. And that makes me smile.

• Sorrow and pain are not the only emotion I feel, but joy and peace in knowing they are with God. I dream of heaven, and the day we will be reunited, and I don’t cry every time, just sometimes.

• I’ve learned to claw my way out of my dark hole, and I’m teaching others how to do the same. It comes with significant vulnerability and revealing the sacred parts of my heart, but I do it because I love.

• The darkness has subsided, and the light has overcome me. At first, it hurt, but I got used to the light and never want to walk back in the dark.

• My faith has grown, and I’ve learned how to embrace my cross. I’m a slow learner; it's taken me almost a decade. But I now know how to help others like me.

• I want to go to Heaven because God is there, and not just because my children are. I’m no longer angry at God, and I’ve learned how to trust Him again.

• I’ve learned to live despite our tragedies and to praise God for the life He has given to us. I am blessed. My husband loves me, and I have one living daughter who is healthy, praise God.

• I’m stronger because I’m carrying my cross and developing muscle memory to do it even when I don’t intentionally try. That is supernatural because of Sanctifying Grace.

For those who have recently experienced the loss of your child, you may be reading this and shaking your head that it is not possible for you. I understand. I thought that too. I never thought that I would heal from losing my children, but I am healing. I still have a way to go, but I’m on the road now and walking with other disciples like on the road to Emmaus. God has opened up my eyes to scripture in the breaking of the bread, and I see again. Thanks be to God, and I hope that you will open your heart through prayer and community to experience the same healing that I found. The way to carry your cross is only possible by learning to live a Sacramental Life.

How do you live a Sacramental Life?

• Going to mass every Sunday and on Holy Days, Feasts, and Solemnities.

• Going to confession monthly or as needed. Being cleansed and allowing the grace to build inside gives you strength.

• Adoring Jesus in Adoration. Don’t have a chapel; go pray inside your church parish.

• Having a Sacramental Marriage. If you need a con-validation or an annulment, reach out to your parish.

• Live your life around the liturgy. Read the readings of the day, and pray with the church.

• Pray the rosary as often as you can.

All our prayers are with you, my sweet Red Bird family.