Adult Sibling Resources
When you lose a sibling, your life is changed forever. This is true no matter how old you are at the time of their death. An adult bereaved brother and sister, however, often do not feel well supported because the depth of the sibling bond often goes under-appreciated by others. You may have moved on in your life and started a family of your own. Perhaps you were not living with your sibling or had not been for some time. Your day-to-day life may no longer be entangled with your sibling as it once was.
Loss of Identity
Losing a sibling may feel like losing part of yourself. He or she shared 50% of your genetic makeup and represents a unique relationship among all others. You share strong emotional ties, your parents, the same last name, secrets, playtime, memories, fights, and friendship.
An adult sibling helps you reconnect with your family of origin like no one else in the world can. Only a sibling knows what it was like to be in your family. Their loss creates a huge void in your shared memory. The death of an adult sibling can leave you feeling like you need to reorient yourself in the world. You may need to redefine your role in your family. Nothing will ever be the same again.
Traumatic Loss
You may also need to heal from the nature of the death if it was untimely or wasn’t peaceful. Was it a sudden unexpected death that was traumatic or violent? Were you there or not there when it happened? Perhaps you feel the death could have been avoided and you are replaying the tape in your head over and over, believing you could have changed the outcome, wishing you had or had not done something. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you hold and process complicated emotion and heavy grief.
Guilt, Regret, & Anger
It is common for adults to experience regret at the loss of a sibling. Perhaps you and your sibling did not spend as much time together as you would have liked. Perhaps you had differences or disagreements you assumed you would have more time to work out.
When the relationship hasn’t been close, it can cause a lot of heartache and guilt. You may feel like you don’t even have a right to grieve or be sad if you weren’t close, but at the core of the sibling relationship is family bonds and the love may still be buried under there. If the relationship wasn’t perfect or even good, you STILL have a right to grieve and need to acknowledge the grief.
You may feel survivor guilt that you are alive and they are not. You may feel angry that your sibling left you. Perhaps now you have to have more responsibility for your aging parents or step into roles your deceased sibling used to fill. It is common to fear your own mortality as well.
Over-Looked Grief
Adult siblings often have their own families and children. The outpouring of love and support after their death may be focused on a spouse or children, or perhaps your parents. Often an adult sibling is left to carry their heavy loss without the support or understanding they need.
Sense of Unreality
It is common to experience a sense of unreality after a death like you are waiting to wake up from a bad dream. You may be drowning in overwhelming feelings and feel you are never going to get through this. It is too much.
In the immediate aftermath of loss, it can feel like being suspended in two worlds, often accompanied by a deep sense of exhaustion. Emotional shock brings a deep fatigue. Perhaps you feel numb, not yet able to feel the depth of the loss. Give yourself as much time as you need
Click here for video series on Adult Sibling Grief
Book Resources for Adult Siblings
Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven? Surviving the Suicide Loss of a Brother or Sister by Michelle Linn-Gunst
Healing the Adult Sibling's Heart by Alan Wolfert
I Had a Brother Once. A Poem. A Memoir by Adam Mansbach
Recovering from the loss of a Sibling by Jamaica Kincaid
Surviving The Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies by TJ Wray
After Suicide: There’s Hope for Them & You by Fr. Chris Alar