Breathe
A few weeks ago, I was awoken in the middle of the night with a terrible stomach ache. It was around midnight. You know we’ve all had at least one horrible stomach aches in our life when you can audibly hear the bubbles and churning of your tummy. You instantly know this is going to be terrible, but how terrible I didn’t know just yet. I was so sleepy, and my body was fighting the desire not to get up. I tried telling myself I could wait until the morning. No luck. The growls increased. So I proceeded to get out of bed while trying to wake up as my tummy growled even louder. I managed to make it to the porcelain throne and sat for a little while as I allowed. Myself to fully wake up from that groggy sleep. I sat, and nothing happened except the rumbling and tumbling of my tummy increased. Then the wave of pain followed. As the pain came crashing over me, mimicking labor pains. I had a flashback to my last loss. This felt like another miscarriage, except there was no blood, just excruciating pain when the wave would come. I started to shake and tremble, and beads of sweat formed on my upper lip.
I tried to call out to my husband through the moaning and groaning, but he did not hear me at first. As the pain increased, so did my sobs. My hushed calling became a crying scream of his name. My husband can sleep through almost anything, and when awoken by a scream, he typically runs. As he ran into the bathroom, he stepped on the rug while trying to turn the corner and fell to the ground. I was in tears at this point, full-on whales, and couldn’t tell him exactly what was wrong. I began to hyperventilate as the pain increased, and I was sweating profusely. I couldn’t get comfortable on the toilet- so I tried to move to the bathroom rug. That lasted for a minute when reality hit me that at some point, I may need to throw up or, you know, the other end. I managed to whisper to him that it was either the stomach bug or food poisoning. He helped me get back up and back onto the toilet. He ran cold water on a towel and placed it on my forehead. I started to shake more, so much so that the cold towel was actually making me colder because I was so clammy. I would take it off, and Ryan would put it back on my neck. He was trying to prevent me from fainting. I was so pale and had no strength. He had to physically hold me onto the toilet so I wouldn’t fall off and held my hand as I sobbed. He prayed over me and told me to breathe. He repeated those words to me the entire time. Kelly breathe. I’m right here and I won’t let you go. This went on for 30 minutes before I found relief. If you’ve ever had a stomach bug or food poisoning, you know how terrible it is. The grace of the sacrament of our marriage was needed in that moment.
Breathe. Kelly, just breathe.
Before long, it stopped just like it started. I managed to get through the stomach pain and went back to bed to sleep off the remnant of whatever was going on in my tummy. The word breathe had been coming to me lately, especially with the new health issues we are uncovering. The same words he spoke to me on the bathroom floor or under my covers in those early days of grief were the same words he spoke to me when the pain of my tummy ache came full blast. Breathe as the panic rushed over me. As the pain would envelop me from my grief. Breathe, Kelly. It will slow the tornado. Breathe, Kelly; I’m here. You are not alone. I am with you through this hard moment.
While reflecting on the readings that Sunday, I instantly thought of the Holy Spirit, the breath of the Lord. How, in moments of despair, if we focus on our breath and breathe, the breath of the Lord will fill us. It will calm us down as we Invite Him into that space. He can rest our rough waters. He has power over the waves. Ryan often reminds me of how much the Father loves me because I am blessed to have a husband that adores me. I can visibly see his love in the way he serves his family and me. He takes care of me all of the time, and my life is better with him at my side. What a gift to have a spouse who truly loves you like the Lord-designed marriage.
Our eternal Father loves us even more than we could possibly imagine. He is always with us, and we are never alone. All we have to do is breathe and allow His breath to come over us. It may take 30 minutes to calm you down, but it will happen. Don’t give up or give in to the pain. Breathe through it, and allow yourself the space to settle your heart.
Research has shown that deep breathing exercises can reduce stress and anxiety and improve our overall health. In addition, for those grieving, regular deep breathing can help reduce tension in the body and help ground us in the present moment. So when you are feeling overwhelmed, remember to breathe.
