Intimacy After Loss
The hardest topic to discuss after losing a child is how it affects your intimacy with your spouse.
After we experienced our 4th loss, I noticed that intimacy has been really hard for me. I don’t even realize that I’ve been trying to avoid it. This last time really hit me hard when Ryan blessed my head, my heart, and my womb and asked for the Lord to send us another child. The dam broke yet again, and the tears were overwhelming since losing Eva Catherine. I instantly recalled the feeling that the place you just blessed doesn’t bring forth life. That place has a tendency only to bring more death.
I was angry for a minute and embarrassed by this feeling. But I can’t help but feel this way. Ryan held me and prayed over me that my heart would feel peace, and I just cried more.
Every time we experience a new loss, I have to work my way through that fear of losing again and the feeling that tempts me to avoid the possibility of new life. There is a mental wrestle in both husband and wife after loss, not only in fear of losing but in submitting ourselves to intimacy altogether.
Grief can affect both men and women differently. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, men and women tend to grieve differently. Men are more likely to internalize their pain, while women are more prone to externalizing it. This may explain why women experience higher rates of depression after a loss than their male counterparts.
Intimacy after loss is always a sensitive topic, especially when grieving with someone who means the world to you. The loss of a child can also cause people to feel physically distant from their spouse. Some people have trouble being intimate with their spouse because they feel emotionally detached from them—whether it be because they don't want to be touched or they don't want to touch anyone else. This issue can be even more pronounced among those who experience the loss of a child and are afraid to get pregnant again.
As a woman who has been through the death of a child, I can tell you that intimacy is not always a top priority. In fact, it might be the last thing on your mind when you're trying to process all of your feelings. But as we know, intimacy is important for couples at every stage of life—and it's even more important in grief.
Intimacy is often seen as an expression of love and affection, the embrace where you feel the closest to your spouse. This makes sense: It can be a way for couples to strengthen their relationship and bond with each other and embrace the Sacrament of their Marriage. But there are also other ways that intimacy can play into this equation—ways that might not be as obvious at first glance. For instance: Intimacy isn't just about sex; it's also about creating closeness through touch, kissing, hand holding, and cuddling!
Think back to when you first started dating—were there any moments before the two of you had sex where the two of you felt really close? That's because sharing intimate moments like these can help create trust between two people, so they feel more comfortable being vulnerable around each other later on down the line.
If you want to be intimate with your spouse after loss, take it slow. You might want to try just cuddling first, or maybe just touching each other without any other physical contact at all. If you're feeling more comfortable with each other, then try kissing and slowly.
If, at any time during this process, either of you feels uncomfortable or too stressed out by what's happening physically, talk about it! Communication is key in any marriage, especially when dealing with something as difficult as grief over the loss of your child.
Know you are not alone in how grief affects everything, even intimacy. Reach out to us at hello@redbird.love if you want to connect with a team member on this topic.
