The Rollercoaster Ride
Do you like rollercoasters? I do, but I hate the one, called grief.
If you've experienced the death of your child, you may have noticed that your feelings are all over the map. Although grief is an individual process and there isn't one way to grieve, most grief experts agree that grief can be compared to a roller coaster ride.
No one had to describe to me that grief was like a rollercoaster. The words just leaped out of my mouth. I shared with my sister, “I feel like I’m in a tornado spinning out of control but sitting, buckled, and can’t move on the most horrifying roller coaster ride from hell.” Those were my exact words after Emma Grace died.
The words both scared me and brought me relief because finally, I could say the words of what was going on inside of me. Every time I turned a corner my emotions were changing, and something new was overwhelming me. I couldn’t escape grief. It was all-consuming, scary.
Hold on for dear life.
Grief is a natural process that occurs when someone you care about deeply dies, especially your child. Your brain has a "grief network," and when someone dies, this network becomes activated. It’s like the ride Rockin’ Roller Coaster in Disney if you’ve ever been. You start off at the entrance of the ride sitting in the cart very still. There is a countdown of 3.2.1, and then suddenly you are going 0 to 57 MPH in 2.8 seconds in the dark. Only the caution signs shine in neon colors as you corkscrew threw all of the warnings. The ride only lasts for 1 minute and 22 seconds, but we feel trapped because this is our new reality. We feel like it could go on for what seems like forever.
Or what about the dreadful Tower of Terror. AHHHHH.
Next Stop: The 5th Dimension
Step uneasily inside the infamous Hollywood Tower Hotel and find a dusty lobby frozen in time. Even the subdued hotel staff seems strangely out of another era.
Suddenly a television set springs to life and Rod Serling welcomes you on a journey into the Twilight Zone. He reveals that on a gloomy Halloween night in 1939, some hotel patrons were riding the elevator when a violent storm struck the building… and they were never seen again. The hotel closed down and has stood empty ever since.
Going Up?
Enter the rickety, elevator-style lift, strap yourself in and prepare to discover what lies beyond the darkest corner of your imagination.
Shriek in terror as you’re suddenly propelled up and down the abandoned shaft—unexpectedly dropping and rising—as you hear the sound of cables snapping and metal clanging overhead.
Will you make it back to the real world… or will you become a permanent resident of the Twilight Zone?
I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone for many moons, and lots of howling nights as I screamed into my pillow, eyes full of tears, “I hate my life.” I wanted out of this grief, as I contemplated what was the purpose of my life. The unexpected lack of peace that was left after losing Talon and then Emma Grace, and the absence of happiness, created a lot of doubt that anyone actually cared about me. Did my life have a purpose? I wrestled with that question so many sleepless nights, and it was an awful feeling.
Ups and Downs of Grief
You’ll have good days, where it seems like your grief is manageable and you feel hopeful. Then you’ll have bad days when the pain seems unbearable and all hope feels lost. Or one minute you feel angry or resentful and then in the next moment, you're feeling guilt or shame. You might find yourself breaking into tears unexpectedly out of nowhere one day yet being able to laugh hard at something silly another day...these things happen in grief!
There is no right or wrong way to grieve - each person's experience with loss will be unique to them based on their individual personality, beliefs, relationships with the child, etcetera. It's extremely difficult to make sense of these seemingly contradictory emotions because they don't always add up logically - especially when they occur at the same time! This is normal; it's part of the roller coaster ride that is grief.
Grief Is a Very Complex Process
Grief is a very complex process that is different for everyone. Grief is not just an emotional process, it’s also a physical one. These feelings are normal reactions to loss but can be overwhelming at times. It’s important that you give yourself permission not only to feel them but also acknowledge them without judgment when they present themselves—and know that no matter how big or small they seem at the moment they will pass eventually!
The scary ride will stop, I promise. I don’t know how long it will last, but trust me it will get less intense and the G force of grief will reduce. Suddenly the ride ends, and you have to fix your hair out of your eyes, as you refocus on the light. You will be able to unbuckle yourself and get out. There is a line you see that’s filling up, this time you choose if you want to get back on the ride, or you can try to find support. At least if you are forced to get back on the ride, there is a friend next to you that is closing their eyes too.
