Why we Struggle to Change After Child Loss
We all want to feel like we are in control of our lives. We have dreams, goals, and plans that we work towards, and then there is life itself. Life has a way of knocking us off track when we least expect it, and often the hardest challenge is how to get back on track after something traumatic happens. When someone close to you dies or leaves, there can be many emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, blame, and confusion about why it happened or who was at fault. These emotions make us feel stuck in our grief because we keep going over what happened instead of moving forward with our lives.
It Is Hard To Let Go Of What We Know
Letting go of what you know and stepping into the unknown can be very scary. It is natural to feel afraid that change may not be for the better. Worrying about what will happen if things don’t turn out as well as they have been in the past is normal.
But remember: life never stays the same; change is inevitable. Holding on to what you know only prevents growth, which in turn keeps us from reaching our full potential as individuals and as parents (or even grandparents).
Change Feels Like We Are Moving On
When we are grieving the loss of our child, sometimes the last thing we want to do is move forward with our lives—especially when "moving forward" means accepting that they are gone forever.
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting or letting go; it just means learning how to live in a new normal without them. We are always holding them in our hearts, and we can trust that their memory will never leave us, even if other things don’t stay the same.
We Are Scared of Hurting Our Loved Ones
When we're hurting, our loved ones want to help us. They want to do everything they can to make us feel better and get us through the pain. We are always holding them in our hearts, and we can trust that their memory will never leave us, even if other things don’t stay the same. But if we are not ready to make a change in our lives when our loved ones try to help by giving advice or telling a story from their own experience, we don't listen. And the more time passes without any change being made, the more frustrated they become with how things are going.
This is difficult for both sides of the conversation:
You feel guilty because you know they have good intentions.
Your friends/family feel like their efforts aren't appreciated when all anyone does is complain about how hard things are instead of doing anything about them (which isn't fair).
Takeaway
It's important to remember that while grief has no timeline. For some people, healing happens quickly and easily. Others need more time—and that's OK! No matter how long it takes, your grief is yours and only yours. Nobody can tell you when it's "time" to move on or stop grieving; as a survivor of child loss, your grief will grow and change, but you may never stop grieving. Remember, there are no rules or guidelines for what needs to happen before we're ready to rebuild a new way of life after grief. In the end, all we can do is be patient with ourselves and give ourselves permission to take as much time as needed during this difficult journey of healing from child loss. We will eventually incorporate our loss into our day-to-day lives—but first comes acceptance and then action: we learn to accept our reality and take steps toward creating a new future for ourselves.
There are many challenges that come with grieving and moving forward after a child's loss. We understand that it is a very difficult journey, but if you are ready to make changes in your life, please reach out for help. At Red Bird, we understand child loss and want to help you every step of the way.
