Comparison is the thief of joy
Grief is a strange, slippery thing. It's hard to pin down; it comes in different forms and can be triggered by the most unexpected things. It can cause you to do things you have never done in your life, like comparing yourself to others.
When we lose someone, it's easy to compare our loss to other people's losses. We may feel like we're the only ones suffering and that others don't truly understand what we're going through. We may also find ourselves comparing our current feelings and experiences with those of friends or loved ones who have lost someone else. Not even comparing other types of loss, what I’m talking about is families of child loss comparing their loss with other families of child loss. It’s more common than we think.
Some thoughts you may be experiencing:
That family experienced an early loss, they have no idea what it’s like to bury a living child.
That family has only lost one child, I’ve lost 3. It’s harder for me.
Your child was an adult, you watched him/her grow up. Be happy you had 35 years with him/her.
Why do couples need grief support for a miscarriage? I mean really they never met their child.
Your child was young, thank God you didn’t have to watch them grow up and become so attached.
At least you had time with your child, my child died tragically or suddenly.
They lost 10 children to miscarriage, and I can’t even process losing one.
If you cringed as much as I’ve cringed having to type this, you are not alone. I’ve felt some of these same feelings too. My emotions were all over the place after losing my children. I struggled so much to process my loss, and in processing, I made some unfair judgments of others. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t see anyone else’s pain. It’s very common to feel these things in grief. We want to help others see what damage it can have to our hearts over time.
Comparison is dangerous.
It devalues the gift of life. It robs us of our peace. It is the thief of joy. These comparisons can make us feel like our own pain isn't valid, which can be really hard when dealing with your child's death.
We want so badly for things to be fair, but they aren't always. And sometimes, other people's losses can make us feel worse about ourselves because we think they have no clue what it’s like for us. We may think that their grief is less valid, less legitimate than ours. We may say mean things to them. Even when someone is trying to help you who has experienced child loss, you may reject them and have ill feelings towards them.
If you are having ill thoughts about others and comparing your grief to everyone in your life, even those unfortunate bystanders who are in your community-we get it. Comparison is a natural reaction to grief. It's human nature to compare our own experiences with those of others as we try to make sense of our loss and try to find ways that we might be able to overcome it.
Here are some steps to move forward away from comparison:
Recognize. The first step is to recognize that you're comparing yourself to others who have experienced loss. The way to recognize this is to ask yourself are you having negative feelings or negative emotions towards someone based on their loss.
Acknowledgment. The second step is to acknowledge that there are different kinds of losses. It's easy to compare loss types and to think about how much worse your situation is than someone else's—but that doesn't help anyone. Instead, try focusing on what you're experiencing and identifying what you need from others to move forward.
Support. The third step is to find someone who has experienced a similar loss and gone through a similar situation and open up to this parent of loss. Our Red Bird Ministries community is filled with families of loss. It’s common for families to connect with similar stories through our online community.
Stop. The fourth step is to stop comparing yourself to others. I know this is hard when you just lost your child. But I promise you it’s very necessary for your healing. For me, I felt like I was in a rowboat all alone, sent out to sea in the most horrific storm, and all I could do was look down and paddle. I had to paddle because the waters were coming over the side. Doesn’t anyone see that I’m drowning here? Why is no one helping me? I never was able to look up to see if there was anyone else on the raging waters with me. You are not alone.
So many families out there have found themselves struggling with similar emotions and thoughts after losing their child. But the truth is that your grief is as unique as your thumbprint because of your relationship with your child. The circumstances surrounding child loss are different, but the pain surrounding a parent of a loss’ heart is the same.
It’s taken me many years to see that comparison was the thief of my joy. I was so wrapped up in my pain and judging others that I never gave anyone the chance to get inside my rowboat.
Truths
No one's grief is better or worse than anyone else's. No one has more right to grieve than anyone else. Everyone deserves the space and time to process their feelings without being judged or criticized by others who have not gone through what they have gone through themselves. The same holds true for you.
And here's another truth: there are many different ways of coping with grief; there isn't just one way that works for everyone! So don't worry about trying to fit yourself into someone else's box—instead, focus on finding healthy ways to grieve that work for you. And if you are struggling with comparison, make an appointment for spiritual direction. Our spiritual director is amazing at helping families of loss navigate the turbulent waters of child loss.
And stopping talking to the dang snake, he wants nothing more from you than for you to not ever have joy again. He pushes you gently as you continue to compare your loss and cycle downward. Amused as you settle into the abyss of sadness, alone. Jesus offers us a community of believers who are on a journey towards Heaven. Lean into your community. Those who want to sit with you in your sadness, those are your people now. This is a no-judgment zone, where we are free to share with one another as we stumble and fall carrying our cross in search of the truth.
