An Unforgettable Year

“It’s been an unforgettable year!” read yet another social media post. Compilation videos and photo series flood my newsfeed with friends recapping their greatest highlights before ringing in the new year. They dazzle with everything from travel to achievements, growing families to engagements, moments of rejoicing to happiest memories. Unforgettable. But what if your year was unforgettable because of loss? What if it was clouded by sadness and grief? And what if it was more painful than you could have ever expected?

I understand others’ highlight reels are just that - only the good things that have happened. I know it doesn’t show everything. I know comparison will always be the thief of joy, but boy, do I set myself up for robbery. Seeing such joy-filled memories sadly prompts me to reflect that this was the year I lost two babies in back-to-back miscarriages. The year I was beyond excited and then left in shock, just to be hopeful again, but only long enough to fall right back into painful grief. I ached and cried more than I ever thought I could. I pushed further away from God than I imagined I would. I was left feeling as if this year was unforgettable for me for many reasons, but mostly because it felt so sad and unfair. How could this possibly be the will of a good, good Father?

I don’t know if you’re like me, but I still struggle with this. I don’t understand why such devastating loss can happen, especially the loss of loved ones too soon. It still doesn’t make sense much of the time. But I do try to remember that we live in a broken and fallen world where God does not prevent us from suffering but promises to carry us through it, or in my case sometimes dragging me through it. I have to remind myself that we are called to trust and believe that God’s divine plan is greater than what our human eyes can see. We are called to be faithful.

The Word became flesh this Christmas and dwelt among us as an infant. He knows the vulnerability that we feel in our loss and in our woundedness. He grew to know suffering and pain. And he eventually died so that we might have life abundantly and eternally with Him. In His humanity, Jesus understood. And in the depth of my grief, I have to find a way to somehow accept that I may not always understand. We may not always understand how God plans to use our suffering or loss. We may not always understand why God allows such immense pain.

So if your year wasn’t the highlight you were hoping for or even the furthest from it, I see you. You are not alone. God hears you, He loves you, and He’s holding you in this pain. I pray that this year you find great hope and healing in whatever way you need it most. I pray it will be unforgettable, this time in the ways God shows up for you and that you deeply feel His presence. May He grant you peace today and in this new year.