New Year’s Resolutions
New Year’s brings unavoidable reminders of the passage of time to those who are grieving. It can mean leaving behind a year filled with memories of your child. A year that brought unimaginable pain or a year that you wish would end. And at the same time, the idea of leaving it all behind is equally devastating, maybe terrifying, and brings on feelings that we are physically leaving our children behind in a place never to return. Each day that ticks by, each week, each year, may feel like we are leaving them further and further behind. Their memories may be fading from you. Their voice in the distance gets softer, or the way they smell may slowly start to fade from your nose. This may make your heart explode with regret and shame. Why can’t I hold on to the things that comfort me? Why can’t my brain imprint everything for me?
If your child died in 2022, facing that first year without them could feel excruciating, but maybe you are in year two and feeling this is more terrible. You may be using words like he/she died last year, and that reality is so hard to wrap your head around that you may not even be able to form those sentences correctly without gasping through tears. For some, it’s easier to live in the same year our child died because, honestly, people have more compassion for our tender hearts. Each year brings complicated feelings, complicated situations, and moments when your heart feels like it is breaking piece by piece. We feel further disconnected from the world and the seasons that are constantly changing.
As the seasons change, the changes may scare you so much. As we move from 2022 to 2023, symbolically, it can feel overwhelming, dramatic, and filled with so much anxiety. But in reality, it’s just another day, entering another week and another season that we are experiencing. Nothing magical changes or evaporates overnight on new years night. One single step at a time is the only way for those grieving. It’s one day. We do get further away from the time they were here with us, but each day we can take time to honor them and remember them, allowing them to shape who we become. Whether you just experienced the loss of your child or it was 10 years ago, you decide what imprint they left on your heart. You get to decide if the pain will have a purpose.
At first, moving into a new year or a new season and saying the words my pain can have a purpose was laughable. That seemed too hard and just not right. I had to white knuckle my grief, or I was physically leaving my child behind as I went into that new year. Sometimes I still forget that naturally, as time progresses, grief transforms through the passage of time, not going away but changing. There were moments when it got worst, but there were moments when surprisingly, it got better for me. When I let myself move forward without focusing on the feelings of being judged, judging myself, comparing my grief to others, etc., I can slowly see my grief change.
Can you ask yourself what if I move forward with my grief in 2023, allowing myself to work on the hard parts slowly? How will that look inside my home and inside my heart? But also, how will that look to the world? Does that scare you? Do you care if others perceive you as “doing better”?
Since my conversion, I’m intentionally always trying to work on my grief. I never want to be in the place I was before my conversion. Living in mortal sin, desperate for grace and peace, was a feeling that felt desperate, and hope was never attainable. I hope this year I can make resolutions and stick to them so that I can continue to grow. There is always room for growth no matter how far you have come or the continued or new suffering you are working through.
I have to tell myself, I am not leaving Eva Catherine in 2022. No, I’m allowing God to reshape that pain into something that is transformative through the passage of time. Grief is not something we try to solve, but in the same breath, we can make resolutions to work through the pain actively. Grief is hard work, so working through it a little at a time, I think, is healthy. Sometimes it’s not active work like sitting here and thinking through my feelings, but it’s sitting with God immersed in His love and allowing Him to speak to me the truth of who I am.
Oh, 2023, I think I will make some resolutions, but only holy ones. For my new year’s holy resolution this year is to read my Divine Intimacy every day, follow along with the scripture reading of the day, listen to the Catechism in a Year, and pray with the 6 promises of God. I may fail and forget to keep my promise, and that’s okay. But I know this holy resolution to get closer to God intentionally will change the position of my heart, and when you are grieving and need something to hold on to, you grasp, so I choose to grasp at God this year. I won’t turn my back, because it’s too painful without God. I will intentionally pray with His promises so that I can start to believe each one more and more each day.
6 Promises Of God Every Christian Should Know
1. God will never leave you. Deuteronomy 31:6
2. God will always protect you. 2 Thessalonians 3:3
3. God will give you strength for every battle. Isaiah 40:31
4. God will give you the graces necessary to endure all suffering. 2 Corinthians 12:9
5. God will forgive you even when you have sinned against Him. 1 John 1:9
6. God will never stop loving you. Ephesians 3:17-19
