Boundaries in Grief
Grief is a complicated process. It can be so overwhelming that it feels like you're drowning in it, but it's also something that everyone experiences differently. If you're going through grief right now, you might feel like you're the only person in the world who feels this way. While everyone deals with grief differently (and some people don't deal with it at all), there are some things that many people find helpful as they go through this difficult time. And some of those include setting boundaries, especially when good intentions of family and friends are causing us more heartache.
You are grieving in your own way, and others may not understand this.
And that is okay, but our family and friends need to understand that our child has died, and our hearts are hurting so badly. Please give us space and permission to grieve. We need for you to honor our pain and love us through this tragic loss. You also should know after the first year; the second year is worst. Please don’t push us to move on.
The stages of grief are not a "one size fits all" process. You may feel that other people are moving at a faster or slower pace through their grieving, but they will get there. You don't need to apologize for how you're feeling or what your needs are at this time. If someone tries to make you feel like you should be feeling differently, remember that others' expectations for themselves and for others do not have the power over us that we give them.
It's okay if it takes some time before you start feeling like yourself again; sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes it'll change again later on in the process. There is no right or wrong way to grieve; just know that what makes sense for one person may not make sense for another person's experience at all! We can only go through this process as individuals who have unique relationships with ourselves and those around us—and those relationships will change over time too!
Even if you feel like you're 'over' it now, you may not be.
Grief is a process and one that can take time to work through. If you find yourself surprised by this fact, don't worry—it's okay and normal! Experiencing grief doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that something has gone wrong in your life; it simply means that at some point on your journey through life, your child died before you. And even if it feels like your child is gone forever, they are not. We can connect with them during Mass and ask for their intercession every day. Still, you may feel that the loss isn't necessarily over yet—every new season, you feel like you experience another loss, a memory you could have made, a new season they would have experienced like starting school, driving, graduating, starting college, getting married, having their own children, etc. Losing a child takes time for us all to adjust our lives accordingly.
This is okay, and you don't have to apologize for feeling this way.
You're allowed to be upset or angry. You can cry when it feels right and scream when it feels like the answer. You can do what works for you—even if that means being alone with your thoughts for a few hours until they sort themselves out. Don't push yourself too hard or try to be someone who you're not; just let yourself be who you are in this moment: grieving and hurting over all the things that have been lost recently and may never come back again. And invite God into that space, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let Him restore each part.
If someone asks you how your day is going, don't tell them about your grief unless you want to.
When someone asks you how your day is going, it's okay to say that you're not in the mood to talk. And if they want an answer, it's also okay to just give them a brief summary of your current state instead of getting into details.
And if someone asks how you're doing right now, don't feel like there's any pressure for them to know all about your grief. If they do care about where you are or what's happening with you, then great! But if they don't bring up anything and just ask, "How are things?" it's fine not to tell them everything that goes on in your life--they don't need to know about every single detail of what makes up a human being's day-to-day existence anyway (unless maybe they're paying for your time).
In general, though: when dealing with others' questions early on after losing your child... Just remember: It doesn't matter whether or not anyone knows what happened; what matters is how YOU feel at any given moment during those first few weeks/months/years after your loss.
If someone is hurting you or making you uncomfortable, tell them.
Do not be afraid to ask for help. You may feel like you're burdening your friends or that they will think less of you for needing assistance with something as simple as cleaning your home or bringing groceries over. Don't let these fears stop you from asking someone if they can do something for you—they want to help!
Be clear when making decisions about how much time people should spend with each other during this difficult time. If a friend is always around and it's starting to make you uncomfortable, say so! You don't have to be rude or hurtful, but if their presence is making things worse instead of better, let them know how much space and time alone would mean to you right now. Then take care of yourself without guilt—that's what friends are for!
It's okay not to be okay all the time; sometimes, being "less-than" is just part of processing grief in our lives. If someone says something insensitive (like "I thought he'd live forever") or makes an inappropriate joke about death after one of those events we mentioned above (the birthdays), don't hesitate to correct them politely but firmly: "Death isn't funny."
Don't be afraid to put yourself first.
If you're grieving, the last thing you want to do is put your healing first. So many of us have trained ourselves to think that we don't deserve this kind of care; we may be worried about being selfish or doing something wrong. But if your needs are important, then it's okay for them to come first—even in grief. Especially if it’s affecting your spouse and children, your healing is important to love as your vocation of wife/husband and mother/father calls us to do sacrificially. In grief, oftentimes, it is so hard to live out our vocation, and sometimes that makes us feel worse. During the time of raw grief, you need to focus on your healing and your family.
You are allowed to say “no” when someone asks you for help or wants access to your life. You're allowed not to feel comfortable opening up about your loss when people ask how things are going with family and friends.
We know this can be a confusing time for you, but we want to make sure that you know that you're not alone. We're here for you, and we're all going through the same things. We hope this blog has helped you understand what boundaries look like when it comes to grief and loss. If not, there are plenty of other resources available online!
