Mother’s Day Hangover
Every year, my feelings towards Mother’s Day change. I have not consistently felt the same throughout the years. Some years have been better, and some let’s just say, I would like to forget. At the beginning of this week, I felt a deep sense of peace and envisioned the day to be lovely. However, today is the day after Mother's Day and I am feeling extremely sad. I am experiencing emotions that I thought I had already dealt with, and I feel deflated, exhausted, weepy, irritable, and discontented. Oh grief, could you just go away? I am really, really tired today.
Last week, Ryan and Estelle asked me what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day. I replied that I simply wanted to relax, enjoy the outdoors, and float in the pool with my loved ones. So we made plans for the family to come over, BBQ, and spend the day together. Unfortunately, despite our efforts, the day did not go as planned. Complications of family life and the pain of recent losses made it a huge disappointment, and the weather was terrible. Oh those lovely expectations, they always get me into trouble emotionally.
Some of the family members couldn't make it, which always hurts. The morning was beautiful, but unfortunately, it turned dark, and the rain started pouring. I didn't even get a chance to dip my toe in the pool; instead, I had to grab a blanket because of the chill that ran through my bones. My mother is no longer with us, and my father passed away just seven months ago, so these family get-togethers only serve as reminders of who is missing. You see their empty seat. You watch as others arrive alone, and I wish it were different. I wish I hadn’t noticed. I am trying to live in my reality and hold onto the hope, but it’s so hard not to feel the sorrow that is there. Mother’s Day is so complicated after loss.
I couldn't pretend anymore, so I decided to share my feelings with my husband this morning. In complete love and trust, I knew he would understand where I was coming from. I thanked him for everything he did to make my day great. He really tried his hardest to love on me and my hurting heart. We are in a season of grief, and I shared that for next year's Mother's Day, I would like to go away. Yesterday was hard for me, and I woke up sad today. The silence of the day screams at me too intensely. Despite how hard it was, I managed to put on a smile for everyone's sake, but now I feel like I'm experiencing a hangover of bottled-up emotions that could make me burst. I trust and know I am going to be okay, but today, I have to honor how I feel. I am sad that my mother is no longer with us. I am sad that our house was really quiet after those who could come left. I am sad that after everything that my husband did to make the day the best he could because he is that good to me still felt really hard. Then I feel guilty for thinking this. I’m always trying to be gentle with myself, but it is hard when your feelings don’t match what your head knows.
If you're feeling the same way, know that it's normal. What you are experiencing is normal. You are normal, and there is nothing wrong with how you feel. Sometimes, we just have to embrace the ebbs and flows of grief on special occasions like Mother’s Day, holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries, sometimes even just plain ole normal days with no special meaning we hold on tight to the wave that just arose.
Know of my prayers for you always as you embrace what the days of grief look like, your love for the people who have died with just no place to go.
