The World Went Dark
“If a man dies, shall he live again? I would wait all day of my service until my release should come.” Job 14:14
In the days after Talon and Emma Grace’s funeral, an eerie silence rattled my bones. The stark reality is that our friends and family had to return to work and to their responsibilities. I had this deep fear of being alone in my thoughts and feelings. The emotions were too much to bear. The world went dark as I struggled to grasp what was happening internally. My very being became cold and I became bitter.
The death of Jesus brings about the same feeling; the whole earth trembled when it was finished and kept silent because the King was asleep. There is a depth of suffering that we all face on our own Holy Saturday that correlates with Jesus’. Holy Saturday in light of Good Friday feels worst because Our Lord, even in death, was still with us. On Holy Saturday, when he descended into hell, for a moment became disconnected from the living. Those that allowed sin to disconnect them, Adam, Eve, and others, those who lived in total darkness, were given a second chance in His glory. I don’t understand the depravity of it all, but I know that for a long time, I myself have lived many Holy Saturdays in absolute despair. I couldn’t even anticipate Easter. I was like the bratty teenager, like yay easter is here, lowercase “e”, and no exclamation at the end because it doesn’t even matter. Who even cares what Jesus did 2000+ years ago? It did not erase the death of my children. I lived in a state of “I don’t even care.”
Glory, Alleluia, that is for others and not for me. I was drenched with the permanence of death, the torrential waves of suffering, alone in my misery, too weak and proud to call for help. There was no SOS call, no looking up towards God to extend his arm, misery, despair, living in a victim mentality. I had pity party after pity party. I threw them for myself. You get the point. Holy Saturday engulfed me to the point that I felt like I had descended into hell. There was no holy fear of Our Lord because I felt like I was already in hell. If this is what it’s like, then I guess I’m used to it. There was so much disordered thinking in the state of pure anguish over my losses.
I know so many of us can relate. So many of us have or still are living in this abyss of darkness. It is hard to navigate in these torrential waters. And if I gave you permission to drown in this state, there really would be no love on my part. To love someone truly is to will the good of that person. I will good for you. The reality of it all is that we have to experience the fullness of our losses and feel the emotions that emerge inside us. The Lord was fully human, and he allows our emotions to come. Allowing them to come and sitting with them most often overwhelms us, but need not be pushed down. If you can feel, you can heal.
I invite you to bring those hard emotions, the despair, the anger, the bitterness, the hurt, the pain, the everything, and throw them down at the foot of Our Lord inside the confessional at His feet. “The Lord approached them bearing the cross, the weapon that had won him the victory.” Allow grace to transform these emotions one day at a time. Live in the reality of Easter Sunday, even when you feel like you are going back and forth between Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday. Live the Triduum the entirety of it. Allow yourself to be transformed by the Lord’s passion. He awaits you, quiet, meek, humble, powerful, divine lover of our soul. He will not leave you in the darkness. He will descend with you and bring you up. His resurrection wasn’t just for Him. It was never about Him. It was always about you. “Awake, O sleeper, and rise from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” “Rise, let us leave this place. The enemy led you out of the earthly paradise. I will not restore you to that paradise, but I will enthrone you in heaven.”
“The kingdom of heaven has been prepared for you from all eternity.”
Reflection inspired by the Catholic Company meditation and the Holy Saturday Liturgy of the Hours reading.
