How can clergy support their parishioners after the loss of a child?
During the most difficult times in our lives, we want to feel like we have a safe place to fall. A place where we can express our grief with the support of others who are experiencing similar circumstances. A place where we can find strength and comfort from those who have been there before us-and what better place to find all of this than in the Catholic church?
The Catholic Church has been making sense of death and dying for over 2000 years. Immediately after a loss, the presence of our pastor is extremely important to us. We need to see our Good Shepherd in Persona Christi and know that we are seen, loved, and heard. There is true power in a Priest’s presence. In the office of the priesthood, Jesus is most present to us and we can find comfort knowing that our Shepherd is here to serve in the capacity that he can.
For most families, having our clergy over for a visit after our child dies, will bring great comfort and connects our family to God in a real and tangible way. But please we ask that you save any teaching until your next visit. Should you do a follow-up, it would be appropriate to talk more about theology, approximately 4-6 weeks later when we can actually hear the words you are trying to minister to us with.
Just be present to us in the rawness of our pain. We don't need a speech, we can’t process it at the moment. We don't need to be told that God is in control, or that He works all things for good. We don't need to be reminded that we will see our loved ones again someday. We just learned of our child’s death or watched our child die before our eyes-the thought of that day seems too far away to even imagine. We need someone who will sit with us, listen to us, and pray with us. Who better to do this than Our Good Shepherd, our spiritual father.
We want someone who will remind us that there is hope beyond this dark tunnel of sorrow, even though we may not see it now. Pray with us, lead us closer to the Lord by your presence. Clergy can help guide families through the grieving process—and help us to remember that our child’s life wasn't meaningless. And most importantly, clergy should be present with us during this difficult time—even though it may be inconvenient and difficult to sit with us in our pain.
We desperately need our clergy to be with us when it's hard to find the right words when tears come easily and laughter feels like a distant memory; when pain strikes unexpectedly; when family members are struggling with anger or resentment toward each other; and when questions about life after death arise unexpectedly during conversations, especially the common question why would God allow an innocent child to die.
When someone’s child has died, they need someone to listen and acknowledge that their pain is real and valid. This can be done by simply saying, "I don’t have all of the answers, but I’m here to be with you both. I'm so sorry for your loss." This can go a long way toward helping the grieving parents feel like they are not alone in what they are feeling.
Want to learn more to help your families?
What we have found is that experience and grief education are important for clergy to be able to pastorally support their parishioners. Priest and deacons who are more educated about how people grieve can better support their parishioners. Clergy who have been trained in dealing with grief are more likely to use language that is appropriate for the situation.
According to a recent study, clergy who have a better understanding of grief and mourning can help their parishioners cope with loss, which can be helpful for the entire family. Clergy who are educated on how people grieve are able to talk about loss without making it seem like the grieving person is doing something wrong or that they need to move on from the situation. Clergy needs to understand the differences in the way that people grieve and give the parents permission to mourn.
While there's no single way to grieve, there are some commonalities that can help you understand what your parishioners are experiencing when they lose their child. For example, it's important for clergy to know that people don't typically move through all five stages of grief at once or in any particular order (acceptance isn't always first, usually it is last). It's also important for clergy to know that people often feel guilty about grieving—even if they're feeling happy—especially when they know their faith and are considered faithful. Guilt can make parents withdraw from others rather than seek out support. Grief can make parents of child loss question their faith, and they may even stop attending Mass as they wrestle with the question of why. A question we grieving parents continuously replay in our heads and in our hearts.
Supporting families of loss is a vital role for clergy to play in their communities, and it's one that requires extra knowledge and training. In fact, a clergy's understanding of grief has been shown to be associated with increased attendance at funerals, and even after, which means that better-trained clergy may be able to help their parishioners and their families process loss more effectively with their Catholic faith.
At the end of the day Good Shepherds, lean into families of loss. We hang on to every word that you say as we desperately try to make sense of something that doesn’t. Be Jesus to us when we are blinded by our grief and are looking for anything to hang our hope and faith on as it tries its hardest to slip from our grasp.
And if you have a desire to learn more on how to help families of loss, put yourself on the waitlist for our new program coming out later this year, the Good Shepherd.
For more information and to join the waitlist, click here.
