Things I’ve Learned Since My Loss

Grief is a constant presence in my life now—it's something I carry with me every day. It's not something I can run away from or ignore, but it's also not something that defines me as a person anymore. It's just another part of who I am now—it's a part of me that makes up my entire self instead of being something separate from it all together (like before).

Because when we lose someone we love, we're not losing them forever; they're still here with us in our hearts and minds, and they will always be a part of who we are as people. And even though I would give anything for my child back again—even though it hurts every single day—I wouldn't trade what has happened for anything in the world because it has made me into who I am today: a stronger person than I ever thought possible! And I have a little saint in Heaven, his name is Cayse.

A loss will change you. You can’t help it. You will be a different person than you were before your loss. With every death, there is an excruciating level of pain that we have to endure and then learn to live with. We learn to function on a daily basis with this pain; we are forced to find ways to incorporate our loss into our lives. We do what we need to do for ourselves and for our families, but many times this means that we lose pieces of ourselves along the way—pieces that may never come back. Our lives are different now:

But grief is also a punch in the chest that reminds me I'm still alive. It reminds me that life is beautiful and precious and that there are things worth living for. Life has become more precious to us; we recognize that life is short and can be taken from us at any moment. We understand better than most the fragility and chaos of life; living through such a traumatic event has given us a unique perspective on life. Our relationships change because some people don’t know how to handle us or they can’t relate at all (and these people just fall by the wayside).

You're not alone with your pain, and it's okay to feel whatever you need to feel about your tragedy.

First, understand that you’re not alone with your pain — not just in the sense that the world has many other people who have lost loved ones, but in the sense that you’re allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about your tragedy. You can and should allow yourself to grieve, and as tempting as it may be to move on quickly or push your pain away, don’t. You don’t have to feel guilty for being happy again either.

Second, let other people help you when you need it. Asking for help is hard for a lot of us who are used to being strong, self-reliant individuals, but when faced with loss, most of us will find ourselves without strength and self-reliance. That's okay! We're here for each other.