I want to live unafraid
There was a time in my grief that I was living in fear 24/7. There was this deep sense of disconnect that I could find peace in my day-to-day. Instead fear held me prisioner to the reality that death happened to my child and the reality of realizing that none of us are making it here alive. Instead of living, I began to slowly die within myself. Then one day I realized what was happening and I asked myself.
Do you want to live unafraid?
Do you want freedom from fear?
Do you don't want to be unafraid of the idea that you could lose another child?
Do you want to be unafraid of more suffering?
Or what about just unafraid of anything really?
I made the decision that I did not want to live in fear anymore. I didn’t want to have to be afraid anymore. I didn’t want to feel like I was being held prisoner in my own body. I know that being fearless is not realistic—we are all afraid at times—but sometimes it feels like nothing is real except my fear, and that feeling is really scary to us grieving. It's like this dark cloud that hangs over every part of our life and every choice that we make is embedded in fear. It keeps us from being as happy as we know that we can be. This is what grief does to you, it creates a lot of fear within you and most of us do not even realize that fear is taking control of us.
Before my conversion, I felt like fear was holding me hostage and that freedom was not possible. I couldn’t explain this feeling but knew that it was where grief had taken me to. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted nothing more than to trust that everything would be okay again, but somehow my heart would always goes back to that place where death was staring me down. It’s as real as anything I’ve ever felt. I felt shame for not just letting go. I felt guilt for not trusting more, so instead of being able to release, I felt more imprisoned by fear.
I didn’t want my heart to be surrounded by barbed wire and razor wire, alluding to protection but actually holding it prisoner. It really didn’t keep it safe, but it actually kept me from living fully and freely. I didn’t want to live with constant low-level anxiety and at times exasberated triggers that never would go away. I didn’t want to live with the constant feeling that something bad was about to happen—like a trap door just waiting for me to trip over it. I honestly hated every moment of this, but I couldn’t control this. Grief is the foreign enemy that invades our promise land, and takes everyone and everything hostage. It reacks havoc on the innocent and everyone is a prisoner of war. Grief rages. It screams at those it imprisons, and looks down on those who can’t stand under it’s pressure.
I wanted nothing more than to wave the white flag to grief and regain peace inside my head and heart. But I could do nothing during this time of invasion but surrender to my enemy of grief.
For most people who experience suffering, we want to believe that when bad things do happen (and they will), that we can be strong enough to handle them without losing ourself in fear or sadness or anger, or resentment. Being fearful is natural, but if it’s not balanced with Christian hope, fear is unhealthy and unproductive—and it keeps us from living our lives fully and joyfully. We need to learn how to manage our fears so that they don't control us; we need to learn how not to let them define who we are or what we do in life.
I'm a pretty big fan of fear. I think it's an important part of life, actually. It helps us stay safe, keep our wits about us, and not do stupid stuff like jump off tall buildings or run around in traffic. It also allows us to have a Holy fear of the Lord so that we do everything in our conscious power to obey the 10 commandments and ask for forgiveness in confession if we succumber. But I also think that sometimes we let fear get the better of us—we let it control us instead of the other way around.
Fear can be hard to manage, but I have some tips to help you get started:
Don't let your fears stand in the way of doing what you want to do—even if it seems scary at first! You may get the opportunity to try something new, don’t let fear stand. inyour way.
If you're afraid of sharing your story, we get it! Surprising enough the more often you do it, the less scary it will seem in time!
If you are afraid of accompanying a friend on her/his journey of healing, we know its hard but giving is always receiving and you will be gifted twice fold. You also will get a prayer partner, and someone to bounce off your crazy grief thoughts when they surface.
Take small steps toward conquering your fear—even if that means just trying one new thing every day! You might find out that you're more capable than you thought!
Go to adoration when your sad, or pray the rosary.
Sign up for spiritual direction or counseling.
Start journaling. Read a new book.
Remember that everyone else has fears too—some bigger than yours and some smaller—but don't compare yourself with anyone else! Everyone is different and has different things they're afraid of; don't focus on how much someone else may be struggling.
I used to lose all the air in my lungs when I would have to share my testimony. I would literally break out in a cold sweat, my heart would race, I would get flushed, and secretly wanted to run. God had asked me to do something I had NO DESIRE to do. You chose the wrong person to lead something like this LORD. I secretly hated every minute of sharing the depths and abyss of my heart. But I knew He was asking me, and because He healed my anxiety and depression during my conversion, I felt like I owed God to share what He did for me. That never came easy to me, but the more I shared, the easier it got. I no longer am afraid of sharing what God did for me. Nor am I afraid to tell others about my children. My story is a part of who I am, and instead of shame, now there is glory of what Jesus afforded for me.
If there's one thing I've learned in the last few years since my children have died, it's that life is too short not to enjoy every moment you have with those you love—and those who love you back! So today, instead of letting fear hold me back from doing what makes me joyful (or from trying new things), let's say "yes" to living unafraid together! It’s a conscious choice that doesn’t come easy to me, but the Lord has allowed me freedom from my fear.
