Navigating the Hospital

Having to deliver a baby who has already died is a heartbreak like no other. Nothing can truly prepare you for enduring the pain of delivery without the joy of a living child in your arms as consolation. You are living the sorrowful mysteries, dear mother. We are so sorry you know this pain. We pray these pages will help support you in making a terrible time as peaceful as possible and to help you navigate the practicalities of meeting your baby who has already gone before you. There is no way to take away your pain, but there are ways to still make this time of meeting your baby beautiful.

Planning Ahead

A birth plan is typically associated with a normal, healthy delivery. But having a plan for how you want to deliver your miscarried or stillborn baby can still be helpful. If possible, try to think through your options and what you do and don’t want to have happen. While there are many different circumstance depending on your baby’s gestational age and your health, these ideas may help you feel more peaceful in a sorrowful time.

Also, keep in mind that deliveries are unpredictable and all options may not be available to you, but you can still think through your wishes and put them down on paper. Make copies to give to your doctor and the hospital staff. You and your partner should be prepared to advocate for your needs and desires.

    • Who would you like in the delivery room with you? What are hospital guidelines in this area? (significant others, visitors, how many nurses, etc.)

    • What kind of pain relief you would like and when you would like it to be offered?

    • Who is authorized to make decisions or answer questions on your behalf?

    • You can still create a beautiful peaceful atmosphere in the L&D room. How do you want to the lights? Would you like music playing? Are there comfort items from home that will help this time be meaningful and less painful?

    • Ask to speak with a perinatal hospice nurse or other hospital professional whose job is to care for families of child loss.

    • Ask to meet with a child life specialist if you have living children.

    • Many hospitals place a Purple Butterfly on the outside of the hospital room to alert all hospital workers that there is a sensitive or sorrowful situation and all individuals entering the room should be mindful of this.

    • When your baby is born, who will cut the umbilical cord? Would you like to hold your baby?

    • Many hospitals provide tiny hats and blankets to a family who has lost a baby prior to birth.

    • Would you like to have photos or videos or you and your baby? Try and be open-minded. Even if you don’t think you want to see pictures now, in years to come these can be priceless memories.

    • Do you desire to have any genetic testing done on the baby or the placenta? When will this be done?

    • You will never regret doing too much to memorialize your beautiful baby. Save all the mementos you can, such as the hospital bracelet with name, weight, date of birth; and the bassinet card

    • Ask if the hospital will do hand and foot prints or other complimentary keepsakes.

    • Do you have a special blanket or outfit for your baby after he/she is born?

    • How much you want the baby handled by others

    • Make plans for your baby’s remains. What will happen to the baby following discharge? If your baby died prior to 20 weeks, you may need to advocate firmly for your baby’s remains to be released to you if this is your desire. After 20 weeks, you will likely need to communicate with a funeral home to transport your baby. State laws vary in this area.

    • As Catholics, your baby has God-given dignity and value at every age and stage. You can still have a priest come visit you in the hospital to bless you baby. Here is a prayer for miscarried and stillborn babies you can share with your priest.

    • Bereavement Doulas specialize in helping women birth babies that have already died. Ask your doctor or hospital for a referral.

    • Birth plan if you have prepared one

    • Comfort items for labor (warm socks, pillows, lotion, etc.)

    • Clothes to wear home (taking into account your possibly different profile)

    • Camera, memory card, extra batteries

    • Items for the baby: gowns or pouches depending on gestation, stuffed animal, blankets, any special things you want to photograph with the baby

    • Music and portable speakers

    • Snacks for you and your support person

    • Basket or other container to bring your baby home in (if you end up needing to put the baby in saline the hospital will probably be able to provide a container and saline)

    • Cross, icons, rosary, holy water, and other spiritual items

    • Essential oils or lotions

    • Folder to keep paperwork in

    • The number to call for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep for photography in case the hospital does not provide this.

Communication and Consent Forms

Some of your requests, such as asking to keep the baby with you at all times, may be more difficult to coordinate than others when you are working with the hospital staff. You should be sure to discuss your plans with your doctor ahead of time, and if possible, call ahead to the correct department in your hospital and ask for their policies regarding your requests.

Admission procedures vary, but you are typically asked to sign the basic care consents at this time. Read each of them carefully; there will be one for you and for your baby(ies).

You will want to pay close attention to the wording involving disposal of tissue, fluids, organs, etc., that may be removed, as well as any mention of testing the baby or body parts. Cross out anything to which you do not give consent. In the margin next to this, write a short explanation (for example, “The baby will not go to pathology or the morgue, will stay with the parents at all times, and will be released to home with the parents upon discharge.”) and your initials. Point out the changes to the person completing your intake. These consents will then go on your chart, and once everyone has signed them they are legally binding. Request a copy for yourself. Keep all of these papers in a single folder with your birth plan.

When you arrive in the correct department, point these consent changes out to your nurse. Give her your birth plan, go over it, and answer any questions. Make sure you are happy with the arrangements BEFORE you allow any procedures to start. You may want to do all of this while you still have your street clothes on, as it can be a lot harder to be assertive in a hospital gown. Be prepared to leave the hospital if you cannot come to an agreement or compromise you are content with. Remember that you are an advocate for yourself and for your child.

As you discuss your plans with the hospital staff, try your best to be pleasant. It helps to assume they will cooperate with you, and to know that the staff really does want to help you during this painful time. Having patience, as hard as it may be, and being firm in what you want will go a long way towards cooperation and understanding. If someone says, “That’s not our policy,” then ask to see the policy or to speak to a nursing supervisor. You can also ask for a patient advocate, as your hospital should have one to help you in situations like these.

  • When you are writing your birth plan, keep in mind that very few hospital stays will go exactly as planned. Try to think of worst-case scenarios and what your wishes would be in those situations, and discuss these with the person who will be at the hospital with you. You can also write them into your birth plan, with a heading such as “in case of unexpected circumstances.” Some things you may want to consider:

    Can ultrasound photos be printed ahead of the induction so, if there is a necessary D&C, there are some photographs of my baby? What do I want done with the remains in this case?

    What if decisions have to be made while I am unconscious?

    If things don’t go as you planned, remember that you tried your best and be thankful for the things that did go well. Focus on the positives of the experience, as no matter what, there will be plenty of grief without rethinking every choice you made along the way.

  • Unfortunately, there are times when patients are not treated with compassion or your Catholic beliefs will not be respected. If you find yourself in a negative situation, speak up. Ask to speak with a patient advocate. Speak to your doctor. Stop the process until you receive the care you need. Try to do something so that another person may not have to suffer the same fate. Recovery from this kind of experience is difficult. Whatever you do, do not blame yourself for someone else treating you badly.