What Can I Say or Do?
We know that you would do anything to take away your friend or loved one’s pain and suffering. While that isn’t possible, here are a few suggestions to help bring comfort and care.
The first thing to know when supporting a loved one after their baby dies, before or after birth, is that you don’t know. Unless you have had a miscarriage or had a child die, you don’t know what your loved one is going through.
The death of a baby, born or unborn –
Is not the same as the death of a parent or grandparent.
Is not the same as the death of a spouse.
Is not the same as the death of a pet.
Is not the same as the death of a friend.
You may know grief, but unless you personally have lost a child, you cannot actually know what your loved one is going through. The death of a child is worse than anything else your loved one has ever experienced. It is so important for you to understand this, even if it is hard to hear.
One of the best things you can say is, “I know I cannot possibly understand the depth of suffering you are going through, but I am here. I will stay with you. I want to help you however you will let me. You are not alone.”
Click here to order a copy of our printed card, “What to Say or Do When Someone Has Lost a Child.”
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Be kind and honest. Speak from the heart. Make it as personal as you can.
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby/son/daughter/child. It is devastating.
I am so terribly sorry you are going through this.
I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you and with you.
I want to do something for you, but I don’t know what to do.
I love you and you can count on me for anything you need.
This is so unfair. I know there are no right words for the agony you are feeling, but I am here.
You are not alone. I will never forget your baby (use child’s name).
You are such a good mother/father – death cannot change that. I miss them too.
When in doubt, saying something is better than saying nothing. Pretending their grief and pain don’t exist just makes them feel worse.
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Be available. Remind them you are always ready to hear about their child and their memories.
Remember the parents on Mother's Day and Father's Day, especially if it is their only child that died. They are still parents.
Set reminders to reach out to them periodically after their loss and the initial burst of support has waned.
Ask if they chose a name for their child. Be generous in using their baby’s name.
Ask about the due date and make a note to reach out on that day - - “Remembering your sweet baby with you today.”
Show up.
Make the effort to go to the funeral or memorial service.
Don’t be afraid of their grief.
Be comfortable with silence. Let the grieving parent know you just want to be with them.
Send a handwritten note and/or a mass card.
Consider sending flowers later after the first flowers have died, perhaps one month after the child’s death or on the next holiday.
Send a blanket or stuffed animal with the sentiment something to hold when your arms feel empty or something to wrap around you when you need comfort.
Be concrete in offering assistance. Don’t leave it so the grieving family has to contact you.
Give restaurant gift cards.
Mow their lawn or leave potted flowers on the front porch.
Send a notecard or simple graphic of their child’s name.
Give a plant, tree, wind chime or other gift that will help their child’s memory live on.
Do these things at any time, even if the loss was weeks, months, or years prior. The parents are still grieving. Your kindness will still be meaningful.
Make plans to remember the anniversary of their child’s death with a card or other gesture.
Invite their other young children on playdates or outings.
Remember their child by name on holidays.
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Have a mass said in honor of their baby. Set a reminder to do this every year.
Pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet or a Rosary for the Lord's mercy and grace on them in their suffering.
Ask their tiny saint in heaven to intercede for his/her mommy and daddy in their suffering.