The day after my birthday, I decided to go through Coen’s chifforobe. Since he is six years old now, it was time to give him some independence. While going through it, I came across the folder we received from the hospital when he was born. I read over the paperwork, and it brought tears to my eyes. My only child here on earth is no longer a baby. After looking at all the information in the folder, I closed it and saw another Lafayette General folder underneath.

If you've ever experienced depression, you know how hard it can be to get out of bed in the morning. It can be even harder to go on with your life during a period of loss or mourning—but you must. You're stronger than you think! I know this because I've been there myself and lived to tell the tale.

What if I was experiencing a new kind of prayer? Prayer that transcended anxious rosary beads and desperate pleas? My prayer was surrender. Be still. Close my eyes. Open my heart. Lift my face. And let him love me. Let him love her. Let him enfold us in love. My breath was my prayer.

So shattered I could not see my own hand in front of my face, I was suspended in the invisible arms of a Love I had only dreamed of. Immolated, I found myself resting in fire. Drowning, I surrendered, and discovered I could breathe underwater.

What if the light of Christ is not a harsh, disinterested glare but the perfect light of dawn that gently transforms the shadows into peace?

Those words are hard to hear.

For Cayse’s second anniversary, we received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my in-laws. When I received the flowers, my eyes caught the beautiful butterfly in the bouquet.

“From Mary we learn to surrender to God’s will in all things. From Mary, we learn to trust even when all hope seems gone. From Mary, we learn to love Christ, her Son and the Son of God.” - Pope Saint John Paul the Great

The deepest darkness is the discouraging reality that since my love for my son will never change, the agony of his loss will not either.

In 2016, our parish opened a perpetual Adoration chapel. Despite growing up Catholic, I was in my thirties with several small children before I ever attended a holy hour. I was captivated by the reverence and rituals of Eucharistic Adoration and quickly became a regular attendee of Thursday night Adoration at our church.